Millions of things running through my head, some meaningless like the fact that my blanket is pretty darn uncomfy, its like hard..scratchy...not at all squishy and soft like someone elses I know. Or about buffalo chicken dip, how when you pour the hot sauce in and it starts boiling on the stove and it burns your eyeballs out and makes you sneeze...yes, these are things I am thinking about as I lay in bed, trying to sleep.
Other more important things, like how mighty difficult it is to share your child after a divorce. I do not like one thing about it, but it is something that I have to do. It is not for me, it is not for the other party involved ..it is for Ava. She loves her "other" family, and I know her grandmother adores her and spoils her to death. Still, the sharing...breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart, worrying about what other people think of how much I do share her with her "other" family. I won't go into much detail, because well, it's a very touchy subject. Lets just say, right now I can't give Ava, what they can give her. Being a single mom is hard...lets face it, we struggle, and they don't. Wow talk about being brutally honest, on my photo blog.
My emotions are swinging back and forth, on one hand I am so very happy, on the other I could burst into tears at any moment. I guess I am not a very patient person, and it seems like the more I try to do something, the harder I fail/fall. Lately, I want to throw my hands in the air and just say..ok I give up, someone else do this!! Then I get that strong, positive feeling that I can do just about anything I put my mind to, and I will have this and that, and I will be able to be what I want to be, and where I want to be , and doing what I want to be doing. Make sense? Its like I have that " i want what i want and i want it now, and i am going to get it and no one or nothing is going to stop me, so THERE" then...nothing happens. I guess patience is indeed the key here. I need to have patience with myself, others and just life. I guess you can say I have, when you look at it from all points, come a long way.
Autism has been on my mind, ok it has never left my mind, but lately..it weighs on my mind heavy, like when Miss princess was first diagnosed. It is safe to say, I hate Autism. Hate. Literally, hate it. I know things could be worse, I am very blessed to have a healthy, beautiful, pig tailed 4 yr old, but it is still a struggle.
I guess something I wanted to get off my mind, is Autism is NOT catchy. I had a blog about this all made up and ready to post, but decided not to. I will keep this more simple. Sure your ..uhm, shall we say, typical..child..may start imitating some of the stims , my uhmm non typical ( dislike using those kind of words) child may be doing, but that doesn't mean your child will suddenly become Autistic overnight, or keep doing those stims for the rest of their lives...unlike mine, who probably will never stop humming, spinning..ect. So Autism is not catchy.
And no, ava doesnt like to be hugged or touched by young children, and yes she gets creeped out by large crowds and starts doing silly things when strangers are around. Please keep all comments about it to yourself :) haha ok, there is my harshness coming out. Have I mentioned, I hate Autism?
It is Domestic Violence awareness month. Just throwing that out there as its another thing that's on my mind.
And now that I got some things off my chest, and am virtually seeing double, I will try to sleep. Maybe counting sheep will help, or maybe just blogging about all this helped and I will fall fast asleep! We shall see.
Sharing is a hard part of divorce but I believe you can give her just as much as her "other" family. You just have to love,be patient, and be there for her. As for tossing your hands up and giving up, I know you have the strength to do anything. Don't let your frustrations and emotions get the best of you. You are the captain of your ship, so steer this ship to your destination....Happiness.
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