Jump and Believe

Not knowing. Why do I never know? Why do I never trust myself, my feelings, or others.

Trust. I don't trust anyone ..I used to say, I dont trust anyone, but myself. Now that doesn't even ring true. This is probably why I hold off on making some pretty huge decisions in life. I am afraid to make that final jump...because, well what if it just isn't the right thing, what if its wrong, what if this happens, what if that happens...but I just can't give up, stop making decisions, stop jumping. Because then nothing happens. Thats where I have been, since I stopped making any type of decisions...Nothing. Life has moved on around me, while I sit with my nothingness afraid to ..decide.

This is nothing new for me, I have pretty much been horrible at making decisions since I can remember. It has just progressively gotten worse...and worse...until now I sit in my nothingness.

So its time to stop. Well, start. I have made one decision, which I didn't think much of, didn't go back and forth on it, didn't take years to decide if I should do it , and just went ..and jumped. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. So my goal, which helps now that I have it wrote out, is to stop dwelling, stop stalling, stop worrying about if i am making the wrong..not right...worrying about if this will happen, of if that will happen..and just do it. Just jump.

Now we are back to where we started..Trust. I trust no one, this is also something else I need to work on. I second guess just about everyone, I don't trust. Plain and simple. I am not sure why I don't, ok maybe I have an idea, but I am not up for making excuses right now. I think I am ready to start trusting people, I just don't think it is something that will happen over night. It's hard. Are you even supposed to fully, 100% trust someone? After all, no one is perfect. We are all humans, we make mistakes. Maybe instead of 100% trusting, I just need to relax and let go, and believe. Maybe, Believe is a better word than trust. So I want to start believing in people again.

So I am going to jump and believe.