Today

 Today was one of those days. Just a really not so good one. The days you dont hear from them are probably the worst. I cleaned. I scrubbed the kitchen until my hands were bleeding. I played with Ali. I love her smile. Lights up my world. I tried not to think.

His mom brought some dinner, she does that a few times a week. His dad came. Always a plus to see his dad. He reminds me so much of him and I just find myself staring at him like some kind of freak, just trying to turn him into Zach for a moment. He usually comes over, plops on the couch, picks up ali, turns on a game..hockey..football..whatever is on...asks for a drink....just like his son, or like I could imagine his son would do with Ali. But today was also disappointing as he had to leave as soon as he got there to run an errand that he didnt want to do, but again, like his son..he went to do it anyways. He didnt get to hold alibug as she was sleeping, he tried to wake her for a moment, but she was out like a light. 

I found myself just listening to everyone talk, not even really knowing what they are saying, just smiling and agreeing, lots of head shaking...not even paying attention, off somewhere in my own world, wondering if he is ok, sleeping...hot, cold, just right..comfortable, dealing with motion sickness, if his stomach is full, or hurting, if he is having heart burn issues, if his head hurts, if someone tried to kill him, if he is exhausted, what he is thinking about, did he eat well? was it nasty? was it actually ok? or did rats come in his tent and eat his snacks ...is there a sand storm causing him grief...do his feet hurt in his boots...on and on...my mind goes...so i dont REALLY hear anyone talking to me or listen to what they are saying..not to be rude, im just living in some other world right now...

then they all leave and its just alianna and i. What to do. I give her a bath, lotion her up, feed her and we lay on the couch and fall asleep. Where there I dream of cooking him dinner, i made him beef stew, and he was tasting it from the spoon...i was about to ask him how he liked it when my phone went off and woke me up. Why does a year suddenly seem longer than ever.

So then I just move ali and i to our bed, where she is now sleeping and im about to try my hardest to sleep. Im thinking of getting some OTC sleeping meds.

Aves should be back in a few days..I MAY venture down that way ..i just dont watn to leave the house, i feel a lot closer to Zach being in our home then when I go stay down there. And quite frankly, i dont feel like visiting them when ive asked so many times for them to come see me. Done begging.

Cant wait for the new year, at least ill be able to say Zach comes home this year :)