Train of thought

I miss him. Plain and simple. It's been 63 days since has been in our home, they say as time goes by it gets easier, you settle into your own routine and things become better. Things have not gotten better for me. I miss him. My heart aches for him every second of the day. Everything I do reminds me of him. Everything I don't do, reminds me of him. I literally think about him every second of the day.

It can be quite maddening. This the hardest thing I have ever had to do, or have been through. I love him. Its a love like no other, its that fairytale love you read about in story books. I still have those same butterflies in my tummy every time my phone goes off and it MIGHT be him , especially in the middle of the night and I'm sleeping and my phone vibrates, the butterflies come and my heart races. I am in love with him. Just as in love with him as I was in the beginning, I would get butterflies with every text, every phone call, every AIM msg, then with every kiss, every touch, to when we moved in together and he would kiss me goodnight,those wonderful butterflies...to when he would leave and come back home to me, butterflies. I still have them, fresh as can be.

It hurts. So bad. It kills me to watch him on a fuzzy, blurry skype session, i want to reach through the monitor and hug him, kiss him, look into his gorgeous eyes and tell him how much I love him.  I often break down into tears, i try to hold them back..but the pain of it all gets to me, seeing his face , knowing just how far away he is, how much he is missing back here, watching him watch his daughter through a screen, watching her stare at him, and wishing to God I could see him hold her as a baby, watch them bond...is just too much sometimes. Its like someone is ripping out my heart and soul.

I dream of him often, i keep dreaming he comes home..im sleeping and he shakes me and wakes me up, and i get so excited, i tell him you made it home to us?? youre here?? he climbs in bed with me and we cuddle, and laugh ..i go  to kiss his sweet lips..and wake up, to think its real, im reaching for his side of the bed and he isnt there. I lay my head back down and just weep.

Not being able to sleep, just sitting in bed. Waiting. Waiting for msgs, waiting for minutes to tick by, waiting for bad news, waiting for no news, waiting for, the sun to go down, waiting for it to come up, waiting for skype sessions, waiting for hours to pass by, waiting for midnight to come so its *another day down*, waiting for Mondays, * so its another week started* waiting just to get news that they probably wont be home when they said, waiting for the pain to ease up, waiting for that magical day when you just feel better, waiting, waiting, waiting. Wishing time away, wishing the next year of my life away, wishing alis first year away, and ava's fifth. Waiting for the holidays to just go away, to get to the *other side of them* so then its supposed to be all down hill from there, thats what they say.

I love him, and all the pain and hurt ..is worth being able to be in his arms again one day.