Numb

I have these days, where I am just numb to everything. I feel no emotion. I dont feel ANYTHING. I dont know if this part of this whole deployment deal, I am wondering if soon...the days of feeling depressed and sad will just all turn into "numb" days...after being numb for so long, do you ever regain your ability to feel back?

Hmm. I get it, I know I'm depressed...I know that the news of this deployment at 20 weeks pregnant sent me into a downward spiral into no mans land. I get it. Boy do I ever get it...I also get the * go see a dr * * you need meds*  ..ect...I get that, I get all of it. I don't want on meds and I dont want to talk to a dr. Hell, i don't want to leave my house to grab the mail let alone venture out to a doctors office. I don't exactly know my point in all of this, other than..yeah, i get it. I'm dealing with depression.

I ventured down to my hometown today, Aves had been with her grandmother for a week, and I decided to come down and pick her up myself..and see my mom, dad...and whomever else wants to see me. I also have a crap load of laundry to do..our dryer broke at home, so its hard to do clothes there, so I just brought them all here. I can't say I didn't feel excited when I started to see the mountains and got closer to Uniontown.  I dont know why. Just feels so familiar. I get that, maybe I should move home for awhile idea...i just push it back into my mind, because I know, being in OUR home makes me feel closer to Zach..somehow. I am confused though. I just dont know. I really dont know much of anything.

I tried to sleep through the New Year...failed, was woke up at 1152 but loud banging and partying outside..i was so mad. So I opened up a photo of Zach and Aves, held ali in my lap and rang in the new year touching my computer screen and tears flowing. I was back asleep by 1230 thankfully.

Uniontown has apparently been overrun by stink bugs..so gross. We have some at home in pittsburgh..but NOT like here, so far ive had one in my hair and while laying in bed, i felt a creepy crawly up my armpit..are you kidding me?? yes.. a stink bug up my arm pit...i hate bugs. I almost had a heart attack. I doubt I will be able to sleep now.

The girls got so many presents from my family. Have no clue how im going to lug this stuff home. At all. Much less where am I going to put it?? We need a bigger apartment, just for the girls toys. I need to purge. Throw stuff away. Maybe I will do that soon.

I guess I'll end on that note.