Thoughts

I dont really have too much to blog about. I think we all get that I hate this deployment and im pretty damn miserable over it.

I am tired. But I can't sleep. How does that even make sense? Yesterday was terribly bad, Ava had been sick with the flu and Ali just wouldnt stop crying..for a few days. She is such a needy baby anyways, and I usually have to carry her around constantly, but now she was screaming...I am sure she is teething, and we are in teething hell. Teething. Already. She is getting so big, so fast. Anyways, yup..I broke down, sat there rocking a screaming Ali, bawling my eyes out begging her to just stop. I was frustrated, angry, sad....I do not like doing this alone. `I know its for the greater good of mankind, but this doing it all alone shit is exhausting and hard. I should have been used to it since I practically raised aves alone. I remember those nights with her, rocking her, crying...physically and mentally exhausted..my anger and frustration dont last very long, I think all of us that do it alone with kids..feel this way at some point. I've "read that its normal".......hah me normal? pfft.

We are in bed now, the girls take up most of the bed. Neither are asleep yet but hopefully getting there, Ali is busy kicking me in the side over and over and munching her hands..I know Ill have to do some back scratching and rocking before either of them fall asleep.

Speaking of sleep...I can't do it. I just can't. I am not even sure why. I am exhausted, I am so tired, but I can't sleep. Weird, I know. If I do fall asleep I wake up every 20 mins. No joke. I toss and turn, I lay there, I think about Zach, wonder if he is Ok...think about how its going to be when he comes home, pray time goes by faster than it is, I think about my kids, I watch them sleep, I check them both multiple times to make sure they are both ok...right next to me, do the finger under the nose deal.....I hold my eyes shut tight, and nothng happens...then the sun comes up and we do it all over again.

I also have some people that just walk in my house and give me a heart attack..especially after 8 or 9, its just not a good idea. It scares me to death, I already sit and listen for sounds and worry about someone breaking in, and then if you just walk in and im in bed with the kids, it scares me..badly...before that time, i guess its ok. But probably better to knock...sometimes Im not up for company anyways, or hell maybe I like to exercise naked :) and someone walking in on THAT would not be a good thing ...not even trying to be rude about it, I just prefer knocks..so if we could spread that around.

Well time to rock the baby.