Oh how I hate my anxiety. It started when I was about 14 after a little incident in my life that I would rather not discuss on my blog, but yes..I was just about that age when certain things set me off...I was always afraid of thunderstorms..not just your average run of the mill afraid of storms...but full blown shake, cry and hide from them. I would never stay alone if the weather called for a chance of storms, i would make sure I had somewhere to go..whether it be my sisters, grandma...just wherever. I did not want to be alone during storms. Then it progressed to worrying about my parents. If my mom left and the sirens blew, I would think she was in the car accident..I would cry, throw up..pace..until she got home ( no cell phones then! ) I would even start walking, just to get away, to leave, to try and find the accident, just whatever, I had to do something with myself. I seemingly grew out of it as a I got a bit older.
Again it made its return in my early 20s. I was in a pretty bad, abusive situation, and my anxiety was really bad. I went to the drs and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder..and was prescribed Zoloft. I was too afraid to take it for the longest time. I remember I had a sleepover with my mom and sister and they helped me to take it. I would only take half the dose, but soon I was feeling a bit better. I was taking such a small dose, I dont know if it was helping or not. I got pregnant and thats when all of it went away, It literally disappeared during my whole pregnancy. I had also stopped the Zoloft before I got pregnant because I had lost my insurance. Then after I had Aves, it returned..fast heart, dizzy, many trips to the ER..nothing to ever be found wrong. Go me! How embarrassing.
Then I got out of my abusive relationship and was feeling really great, once again it just all disappeared and life without anxiety was awesome.I met Zach, fell head over heals in love...drove places I would never think of driving before, for almost two years I havent thought about or had any type of anxiety...maybe the here and there oh my goodness, do my kids have that ? then it would pass..nothing obsessive..nothing that made me shake in my skin, nothing that made me feel like I had in the past..until now...
Amazingly, I made it through most of this deployment anxiety free...I think it may have been a mental block, I kept pushing and going, and praying and hoping for Zachs safety. I had to be strong for my kids, I was living alone, I had to take care of things..I had to be strong for Zach, I had to keep pushing and going and those awful thoughts I would have, that kept me awake at night, I would swallow them up and keep going. Now the deployment is coming to an end..and I am a basket case. Back to square one, back to countless hours of googling before bedtime...diagnosing my kids with this and that, trips to the ER because I had an ulcer on my throat..guess what, from stress. Maybe my body is giving in to the constant worry I held in for a year. Maybe im just giving in to myself. I am back to the moments of shaking and being curled up into a ball, being afraid to be alone...no one really understands, unless you have been there. Unless you know the gut wrenching feeling of impending doom, unless you know what its like to not be able to go anywhere because you are so afraid of what might happen, the dizzy spells, the nausea..feeling like you are all alone. People get frustrated with you, they dont get it. They think you are over reacting, and should just get over it. Oh how I wish I could just get over it. If it were that easy, dont you think we would just get over it? Stop the googling, it becomes obsessive. Stop the worrying, you just can't. Just be normal! I long to live a normal life with no worry.
I am hoping this passes quickly for me, as it has been a long week. Just a bump in the road, and I can be on my way back to the anxiety free life I was living. I do have a lot going on. My husband deployed, I moved, family drama, Avas autism, a new baby...new town, got married..now Zach is coming home, and I have so much to look forward to. I dont want to feel like this, I want to the best I can be for my family.
Again it made its return in my early 20s. I was in a pretty bad, abusive situation, and my anxiety was really bad. I went to the drs and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder..and was prescribed Zoloft. I was too afraid to take it for the longest time. I remember I had a sleepover with my mom and sister and they helped me to take it. I would only take half the dose, but soon I was feeling a bit better. I was taking such a small dose, I dont know if it was helping or not. I got pregnant and thats when all of it went away, It literally disappeared during my whole pregnancy. I had also stopped the Zoloft before I got pregnant because I had lost my insurance. Then after I had Aves, it returned..fast heart, dizzy, many trips to the ER..nothing to ever be found wrong. Go me! How embarrassing.
Then I got out of my abusive relationship and was feeling really great, once again it just all disappeared and life without anxiety was awesome.I met Zach, fell head over heals in love...drove places I would never think of driving before, for almost two years I havent thought about or had any type of anxiety...maybe the here and there oh my goodness, do my kids have that ? then it would pass..nothing obsessive..nothing that made me shake in my skin, nothing that made me feel like I had in the past..until now...
Amazingly, I made it through most of this deployment anxiety free...I think it may have been a mental block, I kept pushing and going, and praying and hoping for Zachs safety. I had to be strong for my kids, I was living alone, I had to take care of things..I had to be strong for Zach, I had to keep pushing and going and those awful thoughts I would have, that kept me awake at night, I would swallow them up and keep going. Now the deployment is coming to an end..and I am a basket case. Back to square one, back to countless hours of googling before bedtime...diagnosing my kids with this and that, trips to the ER because I had an ulcer on my throat..guess what, from stress. Maybe my body is giving in to the constant worry I held in for a year. Maybe im just giving in to myself. I am back to the moments of shaking and being curled up into a ball, being afraid to be alone...no one really understands, unless you have been there. Unless you know the gut wrenching feeling of impending doom, unless you know what its like to not be able to go anywhere because you are so afraid of what might happen, the dizzy spells, the nausea..feeling like you are all alone. People get frustrated with you, they dont get it. They think you are over reacting, and should just get over it. Oh how I wish I could just get over it. If it were that easy, dont you think we would just get over it? Stop the googling, it becomes obsessive. Stop the worrying, you just can't. Just be normal! I long to live a normal life with no worry.
I am hoping this passes quickly for me, as it has been a long week. Just a bump in the road, and I can be on my way back to the anxiety free life I was living. I do have a lot going on. My husband deployed, I moved, family drama, Avas autism, a new baby...new town, got married..now Zach is coming home, and I have so much to look forward to. I dont want to feel like this, I want to the best I can be for my family.
your an amazingly strong woman and I know you will get thur this bump in the road ,I'll pray for you and your family :)
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