Missy's Musings

Anxiety

2011-08-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Oh how I hate my anxiety. It started when I was about 14 after a little incident in my life that I would rather not discuss on my blog, but yes..I was just about that age when certain things set me off...I was always afraid of thunderstorms..not just your average run of the mill afraid of storms...but full blown shake, cry and hide from them. I would never stay alone if the weather called for a chance of storms, i would make sure I had somewhere to go..whether it be my sisters, grandma...just wherever. I did not want to be alone during storms. Then it progressed to worrying about my parents. If my mom left and the sirens blew, I would think she was in the car accident..I would cry, throw up..pace..until she got home ( no cell phones then! ) I would even start walking, just to get away, to leave, to try and find the accident, just whatever, I had to do something with myself. I seemingly grew out of it as a I got a bit older.

Again it made its return in my early 20s. I was in a pretty bad, abusive situation, and my anxiety was really bad. I went to the drs and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder..and was prescribed Zoloft. I was too afraid to take it for the longest time. I remember I had a sleepover with my mom and sister and they helped me to take it. I would only take half the dose, but soon I was feeling a bit better. I was taking such a small dose, I dont know if it was helping or not. I got pregnant and thats when all of it went away, It literally disappeared during my whole pregnancy. I had also stopped the Zoloft before I got pregnant because I had lost my insurance. Then after I had Aves, it returned..fast heart, dizzy, many trips to the ER..nothing to ever be found wrong. Go me! How embarrassing.

Then I got out of my abusive relationship and was feeling really great, once again it just all disappeared and life without anxiety was awesome.I met Zach, fell head over heals in love...drove places I would never think of driving before, for almost two years I havent thought about or had any type of anxiety...maybe the here and there oh my goodness, do my kids have that ? then it would pass..nothing obsessive..nothing that made me shake in my skin, nothing that made me feel like I had in the past..until now...

Amazingly, I made it through most of this deployment anxiety free...I think it may have been a mental block, I kept pushing and going, and praying and hoping for Zachs safety. I had to be strong for my kids, I was living alone, I had to take care of things..I had to be strong for Zach, I had to keep pushing and going and those awful thoughts I would have, that kept me awake at night, I would swallow them up and keep going. Now the deployment is coming to an end..and I am a basket case. Back to square one, back to countless hours of googling before bedtime...diagnosing my kids with this and that, trips to the ER because I had an ulcer on my throat..guess what, from stress. Maybe my body is giving in to the constant worry I held in for a year. Maybe im just giving in to myself. I am back to the moments of shaking and being curled up into a ball, being afraid to be alone...no one really understands, unless you have been there. Unless you know the gut wrenching feeling of impending doom, unless you know what its like to not be able to go anywhere because you are so afraid of what might happen, the dizzy spells, the nausea..feeling like you are all alone. People get frustrated with you, they dont get it. They think you are over reacting, and should just get over it. Oh how I wish I could just get over it. If it were that easy, dont you think we would just get over it? Stop the googling, it becomes obsessive. Stop the worrying, you just can't. Just be normal! I long to live a normal life with no worry.

I am hoping this passes quickly for me, as it has been a long week. Just a bump in the road, and I can be on my way back to the anxiety free life I was living. I do have a lot going on. My husband deployed, I moved, family drama, Avas autism, a new baby...new town, got married..now Zach is coming home, and I have so much to look forward to. I dont want to feel like this, I want to the best I can be for my family.

Vaccines

2011-01-21T08:10:00.000-08:00

Most of you that know me know that I am pretty much anti-vaccine in infants, and totally stopped vaccinating Aves at 12-14 months.

Well, my recent trip to Alis four month well check was a total disaster. Her first two visits went well, I specifically told them that I did not want to vax Alianna until she at least hit the 6 month mark, but more so until she turned one year of age. The first two doctors had no problem with this and I just signed off on them. I was really happy with her 2 month well check, as the doctor I seen was very much willing to work with me and understood.

Not so much this time. I was already stressed from having a rough morning alone with the kids, and suffering from PPD ..which I haven't talked much about...I was a crying ball of mess by the time I arrived at the doctors office. We get there and get into our room, and Aves decides she was going to howl and whine non stop. Nothing like your 5 1/2 year old shutting out the world by howling and whining and nothing I could do or say would stop. I mind you, this went on the whole hour and half we were there. So the doctor comes in does her thing then asks me about shots...so with Aves howling I explain to her my concerns and of course i get the whole speech, the same one I have gotten since i stopped vaxing Ava..."there is no Autism/Vaccination link, there have been no studies done to confirm a link, getting vaccinated outweighs the benefits...ect...." So I still say , sorry..I explained at her last well check that I was at the very least waiting until she was six months old, and in the mean time apologizing for my howling child that is cowering in the corner of the room...she starts insisting I get the shot, I break down in tears...and she this baby needs her shots and you as a mother need to give them her. I start questioning my parenting, as with PPD...those of you that have had, it know what im talking about. I have always been confident in my decision to selectively/delay vaccinations..and now I was questioning it. She told me how kids die of whooping cough, pretty much scared me..she kept leaving the room and coming back saying she was giving me 5 mins to think about it.

So I say ok...I honestly REGRET this with every ounce of my being. They bring the shot in and then inform, just as they were about to poke her that it was a combo of SIX shots. WHAT? I pick up Alianna and tell them NO. I was NOT doing that. A combo if three is bad enough, there was no way I was letting them inject her with 6 shots, my 12 pound, 10th percentile , teeny little 4 month old with 6 shots at once. Plus they wanted to do the flu shot, this would have been 7 in one visit. Can you imagine that???? Anyways, I said I was willing to do the DTaP..mainly for whooping cough concerns..but there was no way I was doing 6. She said well sorry this is how we have to do it. I asked if they had just the DTaP...she said no, and asked me to lay her back down to complete the shot. I said No. sorry, i will not inject her with 6 vaccines. She then said ok, i will go check and see if we have any left over DTaP vaccinations. So suddenly they have one...and the rest is history. She got the shot, and I regret it every day. She cried so hard, and her little leg was bleeding from the shot pretty badly. Which I never even seen happen before.

It is known that vaccinations can indeed cause brain damage. Thats why you sign a consent form. There have been numerous cases of people suing due to vaccination related brain damage. It happens. So if vaccinations can cause brain damage, seizures ect...why cant a vaccination go to a persons brain and in turn cause Autism? When people sue for brain damage they usually settle...when they sue for it causing Autism, they usually lose the case....Autism is certainly a damage to the brain. If a vaccine can come with many warnings and it is and HAS BEEN KNOWN that they DO and HAVE caused brain damage, why can't they cause Autism. Now, I do not believe ONLY vaccines cause Autism..I believe it is a trigger of such, I believe they can go to the brain and cause damage thus leading to Autism. I believe some children do not have the ability to excrete the toxins found in the vaccinations. Not all children, but for some. I do believe the vaccine schedule is safe, it may be for some children, but not for all ( i will say that often! ) Just like the case for everything, what is good and healthy for your child...may not be for mine.

I also believe there is a DTaP/SIDs connection. No one knows what causes SIDs, but in many SIDs cases, which peak around 2-4 months, is following the DTaP shot....so once again, if a shot...CAN cause brain damage, why can't it do something to a babies brain that makes it forget to breath while sleeping? Some small area of the brain becomes impaired due to toxins in a vaccine?

Even more so...Tetanus...do we all know what that is? You know stepping on a rusty nail and getting tetanus? right now , i dont think my baby girl is going to be stepping on any rusty nails any time soon...here is a statistic...

"Does it sound like I’m playing with fire? How about this. From 1980 until today the average number of tetanus cases in the US per year was 40. Yeah, just 40 – I’m not missing any zeros there. And most of those were in persons over 40 (and frequently over 60 since nursing homes are a major hotbed for tetanus due to dirty conditions and bedsores) and IV drug users. Also, cases of tetanus in children under 5 years of age totaled 2 since 1989. Yeah, 2 in almost 20 years. All of this information is directly from the horses (CDC’s) mouth."

So no, i dont really think my UNDER 2 year old needs to be vaccinated for Tetanus...

Now pertussis..this has scared me the MOST, I have heard of outbreaks in California and such, but nothing here. Also again...

Pertussis

"As mentioned, this is a normal childhood disease so I’m not going to spend much time on it except to say two things: (1) the chance of death from whooping cough with medical treatment is .2%, and (2) vaccination is shown to increase, by more than double, the rate of childhood asthma."

While it is very scary, and if you are in a place where there is an outbreak, I would see why some receive it, but it is still very very rare..and it is treatable. Some children do pass away from it, just like some pass from the flu...ect...

Diptheria

Diptheria is also a toxin producing bacterium. This is all numbers: In the 1920s 100 people per 100,000 got diptheria in the US, of these 5-10% were fatal cases. Since 1980 there are .001 cases per 100,000 and no reported deaths. It is endemic in developing countries (hygiene, clean water, etc. could this be why?) despite vaccination efforts. A diptheria anti-toxin is available from the CDC.

Enough said, I think?

And then...

“more than two-thirds [of studied SIDS deaths] had been vaccinated with DPT prior to death. Of these, 6.5 percent died within 12 hours of vaccination; 13 percent within 24 hours; 26 percent within three days; and 37, 61, and 70 percent within one, two, and three weeks, respectively.”

I am most def not trying to scare anyone out there, as I have said MANY MANY times on this very blog throughout my trials of vaccinating my oldest, to each their own...but I think its also ok for me to be passionate in my beliefs, and tell how I feel. I am not in any way saying anyone should stop vaccinating their children, I do believe some are needed, and I believe you do whats best for your family, while I will do whats best for mine.

Dreams

2011-01-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

Its so hard to sleep, I have developed some pretty severe insomnia, which has lead to extreme exhaustion during the day..you would think that would mean I would be able to sleep during the night, but no..the cycle carries on. So I fall asleep last night sometime, and I start dreaming crazy stuff. This is usually what happens. I manage to sleep then comes the crazy ass dreams that make me jump outta bed...rinse and repeat.

Last night I had two bad dreams that I remember. The first was just ridiculous. I went to the airport to pick up Zach, and all seemed normal. Until this crazy lady came out of nowhere with a drill....yes a HUGE ass drill...and started drilling people. REALLY Missy? Blood was gushing everywhere as she caught person after person and just drilled holes all through them. I ran away and found Zachs gate , and everyone got off the plane ..but no Zach. I started crying ( why wasnt i crying before seeing drill lady drilling everyone??) and out of nowhere everyone is running and screaming and drill lady is back and drilled some poor man right in front of me and was coming for me, her face all covered in blood and i was frozen screaming just inches from getting holes drilled all through my body.....and I woke up. Thank goodness, right? I was sweating when I woke up, my heart beating..i was shaking..and i cuddled my babies next to me.

Second dream, not as gross..I was with Zach and we were at my parents...it was time for bed and we got in bed ( yeah yeah...) then he both just slept on our own sides of the bed. I usually sleep with my head on his chest, probably annoys the hell out of him, but we never sleep on opposite sides. In my dream I felt empty, like I didnt know him. And we never spoke...we wake up and my family is cooking this strange dinner. Everyone is at my house, and its all this food ...like potatoes cubed and what what looked like glued together, hunks of bread all matted together..it was SO weird!! Again, Zach and I never spoke, he sat on the opposite side of the table...the funny part was, Alis highchair was there, int he box..we were all worried about not having enough seats, my mom said its fine I have this highchair..suddenly it was built and ...my mom was sitting in it. What the hell. No one even questioned it.

Just wondering if these dreams have anything to do with worries in the back of my mind? Of course within reason ;)

I'd almost rather NOT sleep at all, then to have these crazy ass dreams.

Thoughts

2011-01-06T17:25:00.000-08:00

I dont really have too much to blog about. I think we all get that I hate this deployment and im pretty damn miserable over it.

I am tired. But I can't sleep. How does that even make sense? Yesterday was terribly bad, Ava had been sick with the flu and Ali just wouldnt stop crying..for a few days. She is such a needy baby anyways, and I usually have to carry her around constantly, but now she was screaming...I am sure she is teething, and we are in teething hell. Teething. Already. She is getting so big, so fast. Anyways, yup..I broke down, sat there rocking a screaming Ali, bawling my eyes out begging her to just stop. I was frustrated, angry, sad....I do not like doing this alone. `I know its for the greater good of mankind, but this doing it all alone shit is exhausting and hard. I should have been used to it since I practically raised aves alone. I remember those nights with her, rocking her, crying...physically and mentally exhausted..my anger and frustration dont last very long, I think all of us that do it alone with kids..feel this way at some point. I've "read that its normal".......hah me normal? pfft.

We are in bed now, the girls take up most of the bed. Neither are asleep yet but hopefully getting there, Ali is busy kicking me in the side over and over and munching her hands..I know Ill have to do some back scratching and rocking before either of them fall asleep.

Speaking of sleep...I can't do it. I just can't. I am not even sure why. I am exhausted, I am so tired, but I can't sleep. Weird, I know. If I do fall asleep I wake up every 20 mins. No joke. I toss and turn, I lay there, I think about Zach, wonder if he is Ok...think about how its going to be when he comes home, pray time goes by faster than it is, I think about my kids, I watch them sleep, I check them both multiple times to make sure they are both ok...right next to me, do the finger under the nose deal.....I hold my eyes shut tight, and nothng happens...then the sun comes up and we do it all over again.

I also have some people that just walk in my house and give me a heart attack..especially after 8 or 9, its just not a good idea. It scares me to death, I already sit and listen for sounds and worry about someone breaking in, and then if you just walk in and im in bed with the kids, it scares me..badly...before that time, i guess its ok. But probably better to knock...sometimes Im not up for company anyways, or hell maybe I like to exercise naked :) and someone walking in on THAT would not be a good thing ...not even trying to be rude about it, I just prefer knocks..so if we could spread that around.

Well time to rock the baby.

If this deployment makes me fat...

2011-01-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

That will be the end of the rope! No joke. My eating habits are terrible since Zach has been away. First...I could not eat, at all. I ate good when I was visiting him Seattle, then after that..back to no eating. Then late November I started to get hungry ...lol..... I stocked up on Lean Cuisines...my 5 year old does not eat anything but chicken fingers, cheese sandwiches and soup..thank you Autism Spectrum disorder..anyways, back to Lean Cuisines... I only like two flavors...Mac N Cheese and Chicken Fettuccine.....I bought about 10 each and was eating them daily. Then I got sick of them, and moved on to cream of potato soup..every day for about a week. Then one night I caved and cooked tacos for the first time in 90 days and devoured about 5 of them...it felt like I hadn't ate REAL food in ages! And it was just meat tacos. I just see no point in cooking for just me...the rest was thrown in the garbage...

Now i'm sick of canned food and lean cuisines, ive just been eating junk and drinking pop. I never used to drink pop. ever. I hated pop. Now I drink and drink it. For dinner I just had two fudge rounds...fudge rounds that were meant for Zachs care package, but they have so many snacks, i figured what the hell. So I ate some fudge rounds and drank a pop. I feel myself growing bigger by the minute!!

Ugh, just another reason to hate this deployment.

Numb

2011-01-01T19:59:00.000-08:00

I have these days, where I am just numb to everything. I feel no emotion. I dont feel ANYTHING. I dont know if this part of this whole deployment deal, I am wondering if soon...the days of feeling depressed and sad will just all turn into "numb" days...after being numb for so long, do you ever regain your ability to feel back?

Hmm. I get it, I know I'm depressed...I know that the news of this deployment at 20 weeks pregnant sent me into a downward spiral into no mans land. I get it. Boy do I ever get it...I also get the * go see a dr * * you need meds* ..ect...I get that, I get all of it. I don't want on meds and I dont want to talk to a dr. Hell, i don't want to leave my house to grab the mail let alone venture out to a doctors office. I don't exactly know my point in all of this, other than..yeah, i get it. I'm dealing with depression.

I ventured down to my hometown today, Aves had been with her grandmother for a week, and I decided to come down and pick her up myself..and see my mom, dad...and whomever else wants to see me. I also have a crap load of laundry to do..our dryer broke at home, so its hard to do clothes there, so I just brought them all here. I can't say I didn't feel excited when I started to see the mountains and got closer to Uniontown. I dont know why. Just feels so familiar. I get that, maybe I should move home for awhile idea...i just push it back into my mind, because I know, being in OUR home makes me feel closer to Zach..somehow. I am confused though. I just dont know. I really dont know much of anything.

I tried to sleep through the New Year...failed, was woke up at 1152 but loud banging and partying outside..i was so mad. So I opened up a photo of Zach and Aves, held ali in my lap and rang in the new year touching my computer screen and tears flowing. I was back asleep by 1230 thankfully.

Uniontown has apparently been overrun by stink bugs..so gross. We have some at home in pittsburgh..but NOT like here, so far ive had one in my hair and while laying in bed, i felt a creepy crawly up my armpit..are you kidding me?? yes.. a stink bug up my arm pit...i hate bugs. I almost had a heart attack. I doubt I will be able to sleep now.

The girls got so many presents from my family. Have no clue how im going to lug this stuff home. At all. Much less where am I going to put it?? We need a bigger apartment, just for the girls toys. I need to purge. Throw stuff away. Maybe I will do that soon.

I guess I'll end on that note.

Today

2010-12-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days. Just a really not so good one. The days you dont hear from them are probably the worst. I cleaned. I scrubbed the kitchen until my hands were bleeding. I played with Ali. I love her smile. Lights up my world. I tried not to think.

His mom brought some dinner, she does that a few times a week. His dad came. Always a plus to see his dad. He reminds me so much of him and I just find myself staring at him like some kind of freak, just trying to turn him into Zach for a moment. He usually comes over, plops on the couch, picks up ali, turns on a game..hockey..football..whatever is on...asks for a drink....just like his son, or like I could imagine his son would do with Ali. But today was also disappointing as he had to leave as soon as he got there to run an errand that he didnt want to do, but again, like his son..he went to do it anyways. He didnt get to hold alibug as she was sleeping, he tried to wake her for a moment, but she was out like a light.

I found myself just listening to everyone talk, not even really knowing what they are saying, just smiling and agreeing, lots of head shaking...not even paying attention, off somewhere in my own world, wondering if he is ok, sleeping...hot, cold, just right..comfortable, dealing with motion sickness, if his stomach is full, or hurting, if he is having heart burn issues, if his head hurts, if someone tried to kill him, if he is exhausted, what he is thinking about, did he eat well? was it nasty? was it actually ok? or did rats come in his tent and eat his snacks ...is there a sand storm causing him grief...do his feet hurt in his boots...on and on...my mind goes...so i dont REALLY hear anyone talking to me or listen to what they are saying..not to be rude, im just living in some other world right now...

then they all leave and its just alianna and i. What to do. I give her a bath, lotion her up, feed her and we lay on the couch and fall asleep. Where there I dream of cooking him dinner, i made him beef stew, and he was tasting it from the spoon...i was about to ask him how he liked it when my phone went off and woke me up. Why does a year suddenly seem longer than ever.

So then I just move ali and i to our bed, where she is now sleeping and im about to try my hardest to sleep. Im thinking of getting some OTC sleeping meds.

Aves should be back in a few days..I MAY venture down that way ..i just dont watn to leave the house, i feel a lot closer to Zach being in our home then when I go stay down there. And quite frankly, i dont feel like visiting them when ive asked so many times for them to come see me. Done begging.

Cant wait for the new year, at least ill be able to say Zach comes home this year :)

long deployments not for the easily offended

2010-12-27T15:43:00.000-08:00

Please don't read if you are easily offended, or do not know how to take others opinions with a grain of salt.

This is mostly about my misery that has been of late, due to the United States Army.

How in the world do you take a person away from their families for a god damned year or more? I have never had more anger, than now..flipping through friends pictures of their Christmas mornings, with the dad, mom kids...grandmas...all together, laughing, smiling...instead those of us missing a soldier, struggled through the holidays season, not feeling one bit of the magic that is Christmas....fighting back tears at every glance of a decorated Christmas tree, or feeling the absolute silence and loneliness of the house as you put your kids to bed on Christmas eve and played santa all alone. Thank God for technology, but do you know how heart breaking it is to watch your baby stare at her daddy through a fuzzy blurry screen?? Listening to his chopped up voice and just as she goes to smile at him it drops?? To hear him call her name, and just feel the longing of him wanting to hold his first born, his little girl..his little baby girl that he hasnt seen or held since she was 3 weeks old?? to sit on the couch alone at night, just sitting there. looking at his empty computer desk trying to remember him sitting there, just something to grasp onto..to lay in an empty bed, to be dreaming of him ..a dream so damn clear and real, he is hugging you and you are smiling and laughing, and he is there..home with you..you wake up from your dream into the REAL nightmare...you roll over to a cold side of the bed or better yet you bump into your 5 year old that you MAKE sleep with you so you arent alone. To have not cooked dinner in 88 days, to have no legitimately smiled or laughed in 88 days..some people might say, who cares?? its not that big of a deal, get over it! no, you dont get it. I have a bond with my love, like no other..and it hurts..and if you have went through something like this before and not felt any of these things, then i dont know what to tell you..i need my love, i need him. I need him like no other....we just had a baby together, and he should not have to go away for so long...i understand war, i understand the need for deployments but for so long???? no.

You picked this life. No, sorry...I never picked this. I fell in love with someone ....a person..first and foremost. I cannot help who I fall in love with . I did not choose war, violence, worry, fear, depression...

Whomever made deployments a year or more, can just go fucking fall in a hole....have they ever been away from their families for a year? I quite fucking doubt it.
oh, the Army does it to save money..oh bull shit, this country wastes so much on on pointless crap every single day, billion and billion of dollars down the drain on things that no one really gives a damn about, but they cant spend money on deployment rotations? So our soldiers dont miss 14-15 months of their newborns life? So maybe those left back home can have SOME sanity left by the time this is all over with?

Its the worst feeling in the world to love someone so much and have to worry about them dying out on missions. Do you know what its like to fear the death of a loved one for days and days and days on end...knowing there are people out there TRYING their hardest to kill someone you love? Oh im not supposed to think about that? Im supposed to stay busy, be strong for my soldier, keep him focused..well dear lord i can only do that so much before the what ifs set it, before im thinking of how someone may harm him terribly.. Not even knowing for SURE if they are going to come back home after the damn 14 months is even up...to worry about if they are safe, warm, eating well....to wish time away every single day, to count months..OH 3 months isnt THAT bad, come on three months..for leave, its only 3 months or so..then to look at the big picture and realize, 3 months is a whole summer. A whole damn summers worth of months. Seems like forever in the future. Then when leave does eventually come, i have to give him up again for another half a year? Frustrating. Its so irritating to be wishing time away when you have small little baby, and there I am wishing she was over a year old already, a toddler..and her infant year gone.

I cant even begin to write about what its like to drop someone off and have to turn your back and leave them knowing they are going away for so long ..when you have their little baby at home. It hurts so bad. I can still see him in his blue shirt, jeans, backpack as i left my love standing in a parking lot in another state, I had to leave him there ..just leaving him stand there, send him off to a dangerous place.....just drive away, i turned around and waved from the highway, tears streaming down my face with awful sobs escaping my body, I did not think he would see me wave..to see him staring as i drove away, him looking as sad as ever watching me go, and then waving back to me ...he had seen me wave...and then that was it...now i havent seen or touched him since..and lets not forget the airport goodbye, when he almost missed his plane and the last time he seen our 5 year old she was screaming for him as he ran through the gates, her screaming for him to please not to go and to come back to her over and over and over again...I will never in my life forget that moment, then to come home to a house so still and quiet and his chair empty and most of his things gone..except his shoes, yes his shoes sitting there where they left them and you cant even move them. You find his dirty laundry laying around and it brings you to your knees in tears, smelling the shirt, just trying to feel them around you and remember. Trying to remember their touch, their laugh, their scent...anything. To miss someone so bad, that it hurts all the way down to your bones...maybe its not that way for everyone, but it sure is for me. I long for him, I miss every single thing about him.

And not knowing a date for the homecoming? Get real, you can take our loved ones away for a year plus but you cant have a clear end date??? how is that fair to anyone involved??? How is it fair to take them away for months to train, then there is a leave date..but no return???? or to CHANGE IT?? but you sure as hell have training dates and leave dates. To say oh yes, a 9 month deployment, yup 9 months..so you plan your wedding, kids birthday parties, i explained to my 5 year old that he would be home right after her bday and we would hold off until then for her party, that made her happy and excited...now every day she tells me so he will be home for my birthday party when im six?? ..then you get there and now they have no fucking idea when they are coming home? that is awful. Hey army, why dont you come tell my 5 year old autistic daughter that daddy wont be home for her birthday party? that she mentions every.single day. You come deal with her tears, and you come tell her its A OKAY cause what daddy is doing is important, more important than being there for her after she has waiting 10 months, its more important for him to stay in kuwait/iraq then to come home for her birthday party...and its ok for daddy to miss your sisters first birthday....Please do, please come explain this all to my children after they have already been without him for halloween, christmas, new years, valentines day, and a million other firsts for the little baby.. I want to say really bad awful things about the people who changed it or LIED about it in the first place.

The worry and fear before a mission is all consuming, it literally paralyzes me with fear..i get irritated, i lash out, i cry, i stay in bed as much as i can...there is nothing like not knowing if the love of your life will come back safe to you...There is nothing like right before a mission, when they are telling you goodbye..and it sounds like the *last goodbye* you know just in case...just in case something terrible happens...its like they tell you a final goodbye, you can sense it..then you tell them yours..and lets not forget that his orders were for kuwait, now he goes to iraq a couple times of month on missions?? How does that even make sense? Ill be the first to admit i know nothing about the army, but i sure as hell know common sense...i was told how safe he would be, how he wouldnt be in iraq, it would be a walk in the god damned park...nope..so every single thing the *army* told me, has been a lie..a big fucking lie...they claim to care so much about families and this and that..if they did, they wouldnt have such long deployments with no end date in sight, along with saying one thing to us and doing the complete opposite.

So many families are ruined by long deployments, lets face it folks..what we go through its not kind, you have to be REALLY STRONG , to get through something like this ..the stress? its crazy. Having to worry 24/7...then becoming independent, taking care of your kids all alone, doing every single thing alone, them there, being away from US back here..making new friends, living a whole separate life for over a year, well yeah cant you see how that can ruin a family?? Its a shame. Down right sad situation.

How a new dad is missing everything his very own first daughter does, from her first smile, her first giggle, her first time eating solids, her first time crawling, her first words, her first steps and her first birthday, amongst every other little first that he is missing..how is this even fair ...oh but he signed up for it, no he sure as hell didnt sign on a dotted line saying he was ok with missing all these firsts...it all stems from army deployments being WAY too long.

So tired. I want this over with. And for ANYONE to say im not proud of my soldier, they couldnt be more wrong. I am so proud of him and what he does, i make sure he knows that, he knows i love him with everything i am and respect him for what he does. I just think things could done a lot differently to save a lot of families from pain, hurt, confusion..ect ect...

And in the end, i love him. I love my hero. I love him more than words can ever say. And when he does come home, we are going to have the best life. I worry because I love, and im not angry at HIM...im angry at the situation...Zach and I have grown closer since this deployment, we talk a lot, and ive learned a lot more about him, and he probably has me. He is my world...and again, yes..i am so proud of him. He is so strong, he is loyal, he is amazing.....and all this pain is worth being in his arms again.

I do direct all hate mail to the garbage can...this is me venting, and im allowed to state my feelings.....on my blog :)

Forgiving

2010-12-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

Grudges. I don't hold them, and perhaps I should. I am pretty forgiving. I forgive everything. I really shouldn't. But yeah, I do. Is there some things that you should just not forgive a person for? Of course not the obvious things, like murder....ect ect...

But like, I was abused for years ...and I kept forgiving, and forgiving..going back and forgiving. I forgive my father for what he is and what he has done to me and my family, I have forgiven friends for backstabbing and lying, ive forgiven family members for acting like I don't exist in a time of extreme need.

Am I really forgiving? Or maybe its the old saying, I forgive but I don't forget. Because really while I have forgiven my father, my abuser, my lying friends,...ect ect...I have really not forgotten, and think about those things daily. Is that then truly forgiving? Is it ok to forgive someone but not to really forget about it? Hmm. I dont know. Then again, I really don't know much of anything these days.

Train of thought

2010-12-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

I miss him. Plain and simple. It's been 63 days since has been in our home, they say as time goes by it gets easier, you settle into your own routine and things become better. Things have not gotten better for me. I miss him. My heart aches for him every second of the day. Everything I do reminds me of him. Everything I don't do, reminds me of him. I literally think about him every second of the day.

It can be quite maddening. This the hardest thing I have ever had to do, or have been through. I love him. Its a love like no other, its that fairytale love you read about in story books. I still have those same butterflies in my tummy every time my phone goes off and it MIGHT be him , especially in the middle of the night and I'm sleeping and my phone vibrates, the butterflies come and my heart races. I am in love with him. Just as in love with him as I was in the beginning, I would get butterflies with every text, every phone call, every AIM msg, then with every kiss, every touch, to when we moved in together and he would kiss me goodnight,those wonderful butterflies...to when he would leave and come back home to me, butterflies. I still have them, fresh as can be.

It hurts. So bad. It kills me to watch him on a fuzzy, blurry skype session, i want to reach through the monitor and hug him, kiss him, look into his gorgeous eyes and tell him how much I love him. I often break down into tears, i try to hold them back..but the pain of it all gets to me, seeing his face , knowing just how far away he is, how much he is missing back here, watching him watch his daughter through a screen, watching her stare at him, and wishing to God I could see him hold her as a baby, watch them bond...is just too much sometimes. Its like someone is ripping out my heart and soul.

I dream of him often, i keep dreaming he comes home..im sleeping and he shakes me and wakes me up, and i get so excited, i tell him you made it home to us?? youre here?? he climbs in bed with me and we cuddle, and laugh ..i go to kiss his sweet lips..and wake up, to think its real, im reaching for his side of the bed and he isnt there. I lay my head back down and just weep.

Not being able to sleep, just sitting in bed. Waiting. Waiting for msgs, waiting for minutes to tick by, waiting for bad news, waiting for no news, waiting for, the sun to go down, waiting for it to come up, waiting for skype sessions, waiting for hours to pass by, waiting for midnight to come so its *another day down*, waiting for Mondays, * so its another week started* waiting just to get news that they probably wont be home when they said, waiting for the pain to ease up, waiting for that magical day when you just feel better, waiting, waiting, waiting. Wishing time away, wishing the next year of my life away, wishing alis first year away, and ava's fifth. Waiting for the holidays to just go away, to get to the *other side of them* so then its supposed to be all down hill from there, thats what they say.

I love him, and all the pain and hurt ..is worth being able to be in his arms again one day.

Thankful

2010-11-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

I just got done reading my blog from last years thanksgiving, and realized as I sit here alone in my house on THIS thanksgiving that I still do have a lot to be thankful for, even more so than last year...

I am SO very thankful for my Ava.. she makes me smile even when I'm down in the worst way, she will tell me to cheer up and that everything will be ok, I am thankful that she has that ability to communicate with me, and smile, and to make me smile in turn. I am so thankful that she has her health, and keeps her happy spirit about herself no matter what. I am so thankful that I have had the last 5 years with her, she is really my best friend. I am thankful that she has come as far as she has, that she can still talk to me, and even when she says her not so nice things, that she even has THAT ability to do so....i am thankful for all the door slams, temper tantrums, eating troubles, her messy room, her toys all over the place..because she is in fact here on this earth. I am so blessed!

I am so thankful for my little Alianna ...what would I do without her! She has gotten me through so much already in her short little 11 weeks ...she is amazing in every way. I am thankful for her little baby smiles, her coos, her cries, the way her hair sticks up and makes me laugh ..and the way she reminds me of her daddy when i stare into her beautiful eyes. She is just absolutely a blessing in every way possible.

And Zach...boy am I ever thankful for him, we have come so far together..I am thankful that he loves me for me, the good the bad and the ugly...I am thankful he found us a place to call our own, that he takes care of us , i am thankful for skype so I can see his gorgeous face , I am thankful that he knows how to make me smile when the tears start to fall, I am thankful that he is a GREAT father to Aves and Ali and I love how he loves them. ..I am thankful that he is strong for us and believes in us 100 percent and gives me the strength to make it through each day without him here.

So very thankful for my own little family and I cant wait until we are complete again.

Alright/y

2010-11-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

Who knew one could argue over such a simple word. Ok so it wasn't really arguing but more of a childish bickering ( although he is insisting it wasnt even bickering, but thats a whole nother convo blog )

Me: yada yada yada going on and on about something, about me being nervous going home..this and that, a pretty long winded annoying txt to my love

Z: Alrighty.

Uhm. I just wore out my thumbs telling him something i felt was way important and he says "alrighty"

Me: Whats that supposed to mean?

Z: It means alright I got it.

Me: ( being way childish, i admit it ) dont be so mean to me

Z: ( obviously irritated with me ) wtf??? youre saying im being mean to you for saying alright? ( or something along those lines..with a TON more question marks..i HATE dots at the end of a sentence and lots of question marks ..ew )

Me: Stop yelling.....and no u can say alright, Alright is not a bad word to say if its used all by its self it looks mean ( yeah , did you all know a word can LOOK mean? )

Z: informs me he isnt yelling or being mean

Me: Alright ( ok im a smart ass )
Me: See, doesnt it look mean ?

Z: No ( eff one word replies, i mean REALLY ? )

Me: more on how its just not a nice word alone. lol. yeah ive prob lost my mind ..oh a few months back.

Z: I added the Y to make it nicer

Me: AHA..see he knew it was not nice to say to begin with. ( shakes my head ) So i go on to tell him how one word answers really arent very nice sounding.

Z: you gave me three in a row before!

Me: YEAH RIGHT! Im such a talker i never give one word answers. So i let him know that.....

Z: yeah guess you didnt...

This is what happens when you only have words to go on, and you are so stressed out that even a simple word irritates you. Or maybe it is the whole one word answer, especially after I told him something I felt was important. I'm not sure. But in the end I personally was able to smile about it. I dunno about him :)

Mood Swings

2010-11-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

I think I've set a record for how many emotions one can feel in an hour..not a day, an hour! I literally can go from, talking to friends, being happy...laughing with my kids, to sitting around pissed off, angry, to feeling sad and crying my eyes out...its all usually followed by a feeling of indifference where I feel absolutely nothing at all. Then start the cycle all over again, throughout my whole day. I have no idea if this is "normal"..but really there is nothing "normal" about my life anyways.

I have to say I kinda like the pissed off emotion...It's like who the hell cares, I am a strong woman, hear me roar...I can do anything I want and I don't need you..you ..or YOU! Trust me it doesn't last long, maybe about 2 minutes. This is NO fun. I sure hope my feelings and emotions start to level out a bit and I can just be content.

The homeless lady talks some sense into me

2010-10-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

So, I had just dropped Zach off at his base in Seattle and made my way back to the hotel we stayed at. My cell was about dead, and I had no where to go and my flight wasn't for 7 hours. I decided to go back into the hotel and find a plug to charge my phone ..which was quite hard to do, finally i found one in a little area in the front lobby. There was a couch and two chairs, but my phone wouldn't reach to them so i sat on the floor in the corner, holding my phone while it charged. Sat on the floor, in this busy airport hotel..with my bags and my head in my hands as i choked back tears thinking of how I just left the love of my life standing in a parking lot , knowing I wouldn't see him for a very long time. I was hating everything, I was sad..tears streaming down my face as everyone who walked by gave me this *look* ..and kept their distance. I was sitting in this strange city, thousands of miles from home and my babies, just a handful away from the love of my life, but couldn't reach out to either of them. I so sad. I was so ANGRY...how could he...how could I? How could I let myself go through another goodbye, this one more painful than the last, how could I ever fall so in love that it would hurt THIS bad to be apart from that person...I was hating everything, and cursing the happy couples and families that passed by me, the man cuddling his baby in the corner, the loud guy on the cell phone who was obviously a well off defense attorney discussing his case for all the world to hear, and eventually the lady who came over to me and asked me to get off the floor and sit nxt to her on the couch, that she knows that floor was hard and uncomfy. NO THANKS, dont you know my phone is my only lifeline and the cord will not reach to the damn couch, and i must have it in my hands JUST in case *he* texts me? I actually politely forced a smile, and told her no thanks and noticed she was carrying about 7 or 8 little cloth shopping bags filled with what looked like clothes and other sorts of odds and ends. She had a teenage girl with her who went over to the computers and logged into facebook. The lady sat there for awhile on the couch, while i sat next to her on the floor, head in hands continuing to hate everything about my life at that moment.

She then asked me the dreaded question..."is everything alright sweetheart?".....is everything alright?? Uhm no everything is just TERRIBLE...."yeah, im fine..everything is just fine" i said through tears. She kinda laughed and told me how it sure didnt seem like it! We got to talking and I opened up to her ..and told her all about Zach...my babies...and we talked and talked, and came to tell me she was homeless with her daughter...that they live from hotel to hotel, and she hadnt seen her little 3 year old in two months or so. She was really sick and threw seizures and her children would laugh her and make fun as she seized...she had been in several several bad relationships, and one very abusive. Her oldest son was involved in gangs and had been in and out of jail....her daughter that was with her now had gotten them kicked out of their most recent apartment for violence against her, her own mother! And there she was still smiling, talking about how she couldnt wait for midnight to hit so the money would be in her bank and she could get her and her daughter a room for the night out of the rain.
We bonded over the past abusive relationship, and she told me many of her own horror stories and i shared mine. then she goes on tot ell me how she had it SO good with her last fiance..but she didnt know how to be treated right, and she pushed him away. She would do things to test him and see how far things would go and she ruined it. That sure struck a cord.

After over an hour of talking it was time for me to catch a shuttle to the airport so i could wait for my plane, and as i was leaving she told me..honey you have a great life! you have no worries, enjoy it!! She blessed me and told me to have safe travels. She even took my name to find me on facebook, and I sure hope she does one day.

She sure did make me realize just how lucky I am, I have a wonderful man in my life and two beautiful children. We dont have to go stay in a hotel to get out of the rain, and we dont carry our belongings in little cloth bags, we are all mostly healthy...I am for sure blessed, and oh so lucky.

Alianna's Birth Story

2010-10-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

I cant believe its the end of october already, and the last time I posted anything at all I was still just 26 weeks pregnant with Alianna. Well since then, I have had my precious little Ali.

I wanted to type up her birth story, Since I have Aves on here somewhere..its always nice to go back , and remember how it all went down :)! And being that its been 2 months since Ali was born, I am bound to be forgetting some of it already.

So it actually all started August 25th, I was just 35 weeks exactly..Zach had left for his month long training in NJ..I was staying at my moms, and had a drs appt early in the AM. I had been SUPER WAY stressed out ( not that is a new thing, since May ) about Zach leaving and pretty much was a wreck. Anyways...the drive from the UT to Pittsburgh, had taken forever....I sat in crazy amounts of traffic for about an hour, but finally got there..only to not remember which floor my OB was on...hey Zach went to every appt with me and ALWAYS pushed the button in the elevator...I txt him and asked him which floor it was on, and no answer...omg i rode the elevator to every single floor. No joke. 15 mins later, and 15 mins late..I found my floor. Oooh, I was livid, this prob sent me into labor actually :)

So I get called back almost immediately, and they do their thing and inform me that I was already four to five cms dilated. I was in early labor stages, and yup I panicked ..this baby was supposed to stay in there until her daddy could be here around her original due date of Sept 29th. My high risk OB, told me 35weekers do great ( aves was 34 weeks, so we were happy to have gotten that extra time! ) and that she couldn't tell me exactly when I would go into labor, that it could be in 10 mins or a week, but that it would happen soon. They told me to get dressed and go down for a growth check on little miss, and thus began the longest day ever at the hospital! I got there at 9 am and had to wait until 5 for my ultrasound. Which turned out great, said baby girl was measuring bigger than 35 weeks at 6 pounds 14 ounces, she was head down and GREAT! The lady could not believe i had felt nothing and was 4-5 cms!

I thankfully, got a hold of Zach, and told him everything, and the angels in his unit let him catch a flight home to me so he could be here for the babies birth. Huge sigh of relief as I had convinced myself, especially after talking to the Red Cross, that he would NOT be allowed to come home. Well he def came home. I had never been so happy to see my handsome, gorgeous, amazing man walk through our front door that evening.

Over the next week, we did a lot of spending good quality time together and getting ready for the baby. I had a drs appt that next wed, exactly one week later...and when i got there and was examined I was 6-7 cms ..my OB couldnt really believe I was feeling not much of anything and was that far dilated. He sent me down to triage to be monitored and I had a BAD feeling they were going to send me home! I was now 36 weeks, which they were not going to do anything at all to help me along since I was still considered preterm.

Eventually they did admit me after I was contracting on the monitors for a few hours, and was very slowing changing my cervix. They sent me to labor and delivery room which was VERY nice and HUGE!

They hooked me back up to monitors and I was indeed contracting, starting to feel them, but was comfortable...about this time Zach was drafting his fantasy football team through cell phone calls and txts..I wasnt sure exactly how to feel about this lol, but had to giggle as im in labor and he is drafting his team..but at least he was there :) AND he was AMAZING through it all!!

I started to feel contractions more and more, and opted for an epidural. With Ava I did not have any meds, but this time I wanted to stay comfortable and have a nice delivery. It was very scary getting it, but Zach talked me through it and eventually it was in place and the contractions I was starting to feel were very very faint now. If only it would have stayed like that!!

I stalled at almost 8 cms and they broke my water around midnight and then things got BAD! I had been leary on pushing my bolus of epi medication button, and now wish I hadnt been. I either had a failed epi or epis dont really do a damn thing. PAIN was an understatement. Way worse than Ava, and I got a new dosage of meds and nothing,I was pushing my bolus button like a mad woman and crying in pain. Thank goodness Zach was there. He was awesome, he held my hand, helped me focus, talked me through each pain. I couldnt have asked for more from him. They had checked me and I was now 9 then about 3 mins after they left I felt that need to push, that i never had with Ava's birth. It was a crazy feeling, and I told Zach to go get the nurse..since they had just left, he thought I was being my dramatic self...he was like Ok...I will. Waited. Another contraction came I told him it felt like she was coming out and to go get the nurse..."ok babe i will! " Finally, a third time..i was freaking out and asked him if wanted to deliver the god darn baby himself?? ..finally he went and when they checked me I was complete and her head was there! Zach was amazed at this and I was just wanting her out! He kept telling me her head was RIGHT there and he could see all her hair, I was about to give up and he would NOT let me! I am such a lucky girl!

Pushing through that pain is SO much better than just trying to deal with it. After about 5 sets of pushes, little Miss Alianna Lillian Bosh came into the world on Sept 2nd, weighing 6 pounds 14 ounces and 19 inches long. She had ( and still does ) a head full of dark black hair , she had dark blue eyes which have now turned dark brown. She had a little trouble transitioning to the world with her breathing, but needed no extra time in the nursery and stayed with us THE WHOLE TIME after her birth. My labor was long and tiring, but well worth it!

We got to come home a few days later and our hospital stay was great. I loved watching Zach fall in love with our daughter.

Ali has been doing great, hard to believe it will be 2 months soon. Her daddy has since deployed but will be back before she turns one :)! Which that in itself is a huge blessing to me. She is such a good baby, though very different from Ava. Ava was my quiet baby, Ali is my loud, demanding, screaming baby :)! I love it though. I love how she has become a huge mama's girl, and I love how Aves is forming that sisterly bond with her, although Ava likes to call her herself Ali's "other MOmmy"..she will tell her, its Ok Ali, your other mommy is here, your other mommy loves you ali!! " cutest thing ever!

I cant wait for July so we can be a complete family again.

Whats on my mind?

2010-06-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well it most certainly has been awhile since I last blogged! And so much has changed...I am NOT a fan of change. Never have been. Like I switching hairstyles, toe nail color, where to eat at..yeah those kind of changes are perfectly fine..the major type of life changes that I have been going through lately, are wonderful, but at the same time challenging and stressful.

So I am 26 weeks pregnant with another baby girl! Pregnancy is going great, though I have been extremely tired and my back and legs hurt, which I did not have with Aves. She looks great though, and other than my fatigue, leg and back pain I feel pretty good. I am due late September, and I have a feeling she is going to stick it out til the end.

We ( Zach and I ) after moving here and there, living with this person and that person, have finally gotten our own apartment..here where he is from. Its a huge adjustment for me, as well as my first time having my very own place, without Moms', sisters, brothers, aunts , uncles..ect ect..just my little family. I miss home, not going to lie, but such is life?

Which brings me to the next change, is that Zach is being deployed. I do not like to talk about it much, and it has pretty much sent me over the deep end. So he is going to leave in august pretty much, back in mid sept for a couple weeks then gone for like 10 months. Depressing. Whats going to happen? I dont know. We just got this place and I will be alone, with a newborn...and my 5 year old. What a joy, i get to raise my baby alone for a year. Do I sound bitter? well that is because I am. While I love Zach with everything I am, I do NOT love what he does and I wont ever. Its hard for HIM to digest that and understand, but I am NOT a supporter of war unless its very necessary..then its get it , get the job done, and get out...not staying there for 9 years.. I am not a fan of the government pretty much owning you for the rest of your life..and I could go on and on and on...Sometimes I feel like a closet-military hater, when its NOT THAT, I dont HATE our military, i hate how its ran, I hate war...I dont hate the people that sign up to do the job. As a matter of fact, I fell in love with someone who signed up to do the job, BUT I rarely view him as a soldier. When we lay in bed at night together, I am not kissing a soldier, its not a soldier that i see giving piggy back rides to my daughter, or walking hand in hand with at the park..I view him as Zach, a great man, a loving man, a man who takes care of me and my babies, who cuddles me at night and tells me I am beautiful all the time...that is who I fell in love with..the WORST comment I ever get it, * well you knew what you were getting into..* im sorry but in the process of falling in love that was THE LAST thing on my mind, and I dont really regret it either.
I suppose its something I have to deal with. who knows if I will be ABLE to deal with, IF we make it through this, which I am sure we will, our love is strong, then I know its not something I EVER want to have to go through again.

I am very passionate about my views on this, and I am leaving a lot out to try and be civil, but i am sure over the next year most of it will come out anyways. AND this is the most I have talked about this in a long time, so i suppose its good for my mental health.

I will prob lose a lot of support and friends over my posts, but arent we all entitled to our own opinions? Yeah we are. To each their own.

Not Me Monday!

2010-01-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I most certainly did not find a pile of socks, that were most definitely not clean, not want to mate them so just throw them back in the dirty laundry pile and wash them again. Nope. I am not that lazy. I do not HATE matching socks , and I do not get seriously angry that somehow the matches disappear. I would not get mad at socks. Nope. Not Me!!

I did not go buy Zachs favorite cookies (thumbprints) and not be able to wait until I got home to eat one. I would never be so hungry, or want a cookie so bad, that I can't wait to get home to eat one. In fact, that is a pet peeve of mine, when people can't wait to get home to eat their stuff, or open up something they just got from the store. So why in the world would I do that myself?

I did not need something for dinner, that I thought I had, and did not have, and run out to the store in my blue sweats, zachs gray huge hoodie and boots..hair a mess, no jacket..just me and my crazy non matching clothes. Nope. Not me. I always make sure I am well put together when running to the grocery store.

Thoughts tonight

2010-01-23T23:17:00.000-08:00

I had a great time home in Uniontown. It ended kinda stormy, but whats new? Thats my family. I have to accept the fact that my family is ..crazy. I thought I was going to be really sad when it came time to leave, and actually was..every time i thought about it i got sad, but when the craziness started happening, i realized ..again..why its BEST to not be there.

Anyways, it was nice..a nice break. We got back last night, and Ava has been a dream. She didn't even cry when it was time to leave. Of course she brought a ton of toys back with her. Who can blame her? What kid wants to leave their toys they got for Christmas behind?

Aves new favorite thing to do is bowl. We go on Friday nights with Zach ( he is in a bowling league ) and she LOVES it there. She loves their food, snacks, the people..and we usually let her bowl once or twice with the ramp thingy ma doodle and the bumpers up. Its so cute to watch her do it, she gets so excited when she knocks the pins down.

Last night she was running , tripped and fell face first into a chair...ack. She cried so hard and is now sporting a bruise from the side of her eye down her cheek. When she gets hurt she doesn't want anything to do with anyone, she told me through major tears, " I am FINE...and I dont want to talk about it!! "

Her cough seems to be getting better, and we have a major break through!! She will DRINK her cough medicine!! This is amazing. Amazing!!! She will take a little sip, then drink water, a little sip , then water...lol! Its too funny to watch, and gets kinda annoying..but she takes her medicine!! Thank goodness, cause she totally needs it. She has been coughing until she throws up, tonight is the first night that this has not happened. Hopefully she is on the mend.

Hmm, my mind is drawing a blank...there are plenty of things I wanted to write about and now, just a big blank. I guess that means its time to say goodnight.

Thoughts this morning

2010-01-20T07:21:00.000-08:00

We are enjoying ourselves here in Uniontown. Well..Aves and I are, I can only speak for ourselves, I think Zach is ok. He doesn't like Uniontown =/ But this is my home, my town, I am so comfortable here. I don't feel comfortable at his families house. Its like I am visiting 24/7. Here, the house I grew up in, while its not mine, there is a level of comfort. I cooked dinner last night and had no worries about anything, no worries of someone getting mad because I dropped a chicken chunk on the counter, no worries about how long it took, or what to do with the left overs.

I am not saying its BAD staying with his family, I am so grateful, but I think its just obvious that I would be more comfortable in my own home. Thats just how life works. But being on edge for a month straight, and always worrying about how im going to feed my child, when is the kitchen available, when is the washer and dryer available, staying out of the way..is quite stressful.

So it is nice to relax. Sleep has been rare. HAve not been able to sleep that well, my sheets on my bed..ugh. The bottom sheet won't stay on, and it drives me crazy. It is so warm though. I love putting the heat on, and shutting the door :) Ahhh..though then I usually have to open the window because I went overboard.

On to something more important. Ava is sick. Terrible cough, runny nose. It scares me. I start panicking when she is sick. Thank goodness she rarely gets sick. Although it has only been a couple months since she was sick last, but before that it had been a year, maybe more! I don't like it. I feel helpless. I keep thinking I should take her to the ER, but I don't think its that bad ...yet. Giving her Childrens Mucinex. Well, I try to give it to her. ITs the meltaways, little granules in a packet that I have to put on her tongue. She promptly throws it up when *I* give it to her. Now, when Zach does it..she takes it pretty well.. She now asks for him to give her the medicine. She doesn't want me to. Bah. Kids..right? She has terrible eating problems, so medicine? Ugh. Its awful.
I can't deal with it, I just want her better.

I think I am going to make Lasagna today. I made chicken tacos last night, there is a lot left over, but I guess I will still make the lasagna. I actually like cooking. I used to not. I cant wait to get my own place, and cook every single day. I am going to meal plan, have my meals all planned out for the week. I just wish Aves would eat.

I also wish the apartment people I keep calling, getting a machine, and leaving a msg..would call me back.

Talk about a post filled with randomness.

Not Me Monday

2010-01-18T21:22:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Well, I have not been excited all week for Monday to come, so I can make my first Not Me Monday Post, only to forget and it Really not be Monday anymore, and I am not sitting here NOT making a Not Me Monday Post, when technically it is Tuesday.

I have not given up on trying to make Ava eat healthy, and when she asked for a lollipop early this morning, I most certainly did not say, YES just eat the lollipop. Nope. Not Me!!

Ava has a Nintendo DS, she loves it. One of the games has a lot of reading it, and while I was trying to rest she asked me what it said for the 500th time, and I told her finally, "Mommy is trying to rest Ava, play a new game" she did not stop and think for a moment, and ask " thats what it says Mommy?" and I didnt also stop and think for a moment and then say " yes thats what it says Aves" ...

I have not been staying in sweats feeling bummy for the last week. Not me, I get dressed, put makeup on, straighten my hair...every single day.

I did not attempt to clean out my car, and just stuff everything in the trunk. I definitely do not keep clothes, shoes, back packs, toys, socks, and anything else you can think of in the trunk of my car. No way!!

I also did not watch Paranormal Activity, make my lovely Boyfriend watch it because I heard it was the best movie ever, and then when I really did not like it at all, claim to like it, because it was a movie I picked out and I didn't want to admit that I really thought it was quite ...dumb.

I have also NOT been staying up all hours of the night talking to a friend on Yahoo, nope. I go to bed at a reasonable time...all the time, and wake up bright and cheery...every morning.

Happy stuff

2010-01-17T21:37:00.000-08:00

Today was actually a great day. Although very rainy, but at least is not snow!! Almost all the snow is melted. Thank goodness!!
I've been carrying Ava to and from the car, since its a little bit of a walk, not far..but down a hill and in the snow , she would fall every single time she attempted to walk..so when we stepped outside today, she said "I CAN WALK NOW MOMMY, that snow is allllllll gone".

It was very nice to able to get out and do what I love most..ok besides my family and photography, SHOP. Not much money, but I am very proud to say that Aves got three new shirts and a hat for 15 bucks.

She loves this hat she bought. Tomorrow, I will take pictures and post. She picked it up off the shelf and just had to have it. Please mommy, please..it has little flowers on it, its def a spring time hat, but she had to have it...i mean HAD to. I know how it feels to be a girl, and want clothes, hats, shoes ..ect ...so of course I gave in..

We walked around the mall and Target for three hours or so today. Aves was so good. I really can't complain, I have a very well behaved child!

And tonight when we got home, and i was putting her to bed..I asked her .."did you have a good day??" She said "yup, i got to go to the mall, and shopping and got a hat and danced with thomas and jaqueline, play my DS...all kind of happy stuff"...ahh 4 year olds, everything is so simple to them, it is really very easy to keep Ava happy.

Tomorrow we head to Uniontown for a few days....I wanted to escape *here* for awhile, but I am not even sure if Uniontown is the place to go. I guess we will see!

Tongue Biting...

2010-01-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

Ah. All this blogging about , blogging boldly. Saying how I feel, being truthful and honest.

Right now, I am having to bite my tongue. Keep things in. All for the sake of love. Because I love and respect this man so much. That is what is different with me.

I don't normally take any crap from anyone. I took crap from one person in my life, someone who had all kinds of control over me, but normally, I do not take crap from ANYONE. You talk about me behind my back? I will ask you about it. Someone does something that was intended to be not so nice to me, or my family, I will call you on it.

This is NOT one of my flattering points. It is , quite immature, but a defense mechanism that makes me..well ME.

There have been so many occasions, where I have confronted another person, feeling my blood pressure rise and boil...and ask.."do you have issues with me?..really? well talk to ME about it.."

This ..this calmness...this holding back....this taking a few hours to think about it, is so different for me...it isn't even ME!

But love..love and respect. I have this greatly for someone ,and out of love and respect, I have bitten my tongue. I have held back. I have cried in silence, wondering what I have done to deserve THIS type of treatment by a person that I have done not a thing to. I keep me and my child to my/ourselves. Stay out of the way. Listen to this persons nasty comments, and shrug my shoulders.

While I may not take anything from anyone, I have a sensitive heart. I think that is WHY i dont take anything, because I don't like NASTY comments, i dont like people who talk about family and others behind each others back, I dont like liars, I dont like people who talk about people I LOVE....it infuriates me when this goes on and I just cant keep my mouth shut....until now..

How long can I go being this calm, mature, shoulder shrugging, Missy? I don't know. I really don't. While I have this GREAT, unimaginable Love and Respect for this person, I am still ME. At any moment my immature, non calm, not taking shit from anyone Missy, could appear.

Or I could be changed, by this Love..forever. Maybe this is the NEW Missy.

Getting things done..

2010-01-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

One by one, I am starting to get things done. Up until today, my motivation was ...uhm..nil...

Zach had ~~nagged me and drove me a little crazy~~ told me, that I needed to do two things today, get car insurance, and buy new wind shield wipers. I am so proud of myself, I actually did both :) Haha, little steps ..right?

The sun was out!! SO PRE Miss Aves hair cut, we went out to the park. It is still snow covered and vacant, but at the frozen lake we found our old buddies from the summer...the *quack quacks* were still there, just hanging out. I have no idea how they are swimming and not froze to death...but yup, still there.

***DISCLAIMER...these are just MWAC pictures, with color casts, OOFness and all! ***

Arriving at the park , excited that the ducks hung around for winter..

Amazed at the ducks

using one of my fav actions, ...hey to each their own..right!?

Waving hello to the ducks, * Hi quack quacks, im Ava!!*

Dropped glove..

and then ready to leave..

And my fav Duck..****ive been informed these may be Geese. Oops.

he always poses so nicely for me

I actually love how his body blends in with the snow

Changes..

2010-01-14T15:06:00.000-08:00

Someone...

got her...

third hair cut!!

Right Now

2010-01-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

I always worry about what I am going to post on my blog. I have so many drafts saved, blogs that I have typed up..only to hit *save as draft* rather than *publish*.

I have a lot of things going on in my life, it most definitely is not all GOOD, HAPPY, JOYOUS things. While I do have a lot of good, happy and joyous things, right now..some of it is not, right now things are a struggle and right now its not all about taking photos, and right now I don't even want my blog to be all about photos. I have changed the look, the title..and I wish I could change the URL but I can't. Maybe that is a good thing, because one day, I hope and dream to have my photography become my business. But right now, that is not the case.

There is something going around in the blogging community about blogging boldly. Not just showing your happy, fake side, but all of you. All of your thoughts ( within some limits, of course ) blogged boldly, and loudly. The truths.

I think by doing this, I will blog a lot more. No more typing up a blog only to save it in my drafts. If its on my mind, I am going to blog it and publish. If people don't like, then they can hit the tiny little x up top there..see it?? And close the screen.

Point being, a lot of people, don't have fairy tale lives. I have read so many blogs that make it look like the blogger is living this perfect life. We all know, that nothing is perfect. People struggle, people have money issues, people fight with their husbands, boyfriends, mothers, fathers, your kids have times when they stay in their pajamas all day and sometimes you don't get dinner made or laundry put away, or some days you just want to go to some remote island and be alone for awhile, and thats ok! Its life.

Right now, to me..this blog serves as an outlet, this is ME ..my thoughts, it helps ME feel better when I write and get things off my mind. So right now, I am going to hit publish ..

Jump and Believe

2010-01-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

Not knowing. Why do I never know? Why do I never trust myself, my feelings, or others.

Trust. I don't trust anyone ..I used to say, I dont trust anyone, but myself. Now that doesn't even ring true. This is probably why I hold off on making some pretty huge decisions in life. I am afraid to make that final jump...because, well what if it just isn't the right thing, what if its wrong, what if this happens, what if that happens...but I just can't give up, stop making decisions, stop jumping. Because then nothing happens. Thats where I have been, since I stopped making any type of decisions...Nothing. Life has moved on around me, while I sit with my nothingness afraid to ..decide.

This is nothing new for me, I have pretty much been horrible at making decisions since I can remember. It has just progressively gotten worse...and worse...until now I sit in my nothingness.

So its time to stop. Well, start. I have made one decision, which I didn't think much of, didn't go back and forth on it, didn't take years to decide if I should do it , and just went ..and jumped. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. So my goal, which helps now that I have it wrote out, is to stop dwelling, stop stalling, stop worrying about if i am making the wrong..not right...worrying about if this will happen, of if that will happen..and just do it. Just jump.

Now we are back to where we started..Trust. I trust no one, this is also something else I need to work on. I second guess just about everyone, I don't trust. Plain and simple. I am not sure why I don't, ok maybe I have an idea, but I am not up for making excuses right now. I think I am ready to start trusting people, I just don't think it is something that will happen over night. It's hard. Are you even supposed to fully, 100% trust someone? After all, no one is perfect. We are all humans, we make mistakes. Maybe instead of 100% trusting, I just need to relax and let go, and believe. Maybe, Believe is a better word than trust. So I want to start believing in people again.

So I am going to jump and believe.

To My Room..

2010-01-05T23:04:00.000-08:00

Here I sit, alone.

It has been snowing for days on end, Ava has been stuck in Uniontown for a very long time now. Its painful. I can't bare to post any pictures of her in this blog post, I can barely look at any. When I get her back I will do our Christmas post, with Christmas pics and let everyone know how that went. Like I said, I just can't do that right now.

I am learning a lesson in life, a huge one. At the cost of almost everything. I am learning that there is nothing easy, there is no *way out*, there is nothing easy.

You have to work hard. In order to work hard at life, you have to have a good mind set. This is what I believe anyways. Well, somewhere from the time I was born, until now...something went wrong with my *mind set* . I am going to be brutally honest here, because..well I think its time..not time that I am honest with you all, whomever might be reading this lost and forgotten blog, but honest with myself. This is calming for me. Its calming for me to write and type this all out, even if, perhaps..it makes no sense..to anyone, but myself.

Everyone has it hard. No one has it easy. Nothing is easy, remember? Everyone has hardships, everyone has problems, issues, traumas, bad days, ..I guess its the duration of the bad times, the duration of the bad days, and how long the trauma lasts ....or even how *strong* the said person is, in how the person handles things, how they are able to function in their every day life, in how they are able to live normally, and happy...

I guess I am *not* that strong one. I am not making excuses, I have never been strong ...i am the sensitive weak one. I cry when i watch movies, I break down at the least possible hint of a stressful situation. I worry, but i do nothing with that worry.

What happens, when your whole life has been one constant ...oh whats the word? One constant...cluster of ..*wrong*.....just *wrong*...

My dad is an alcoholic. They had me , and fought constantly. My dad, was ..is...indeed..abusive, not so much physically, buy more so..throwing things, couldnt sit down to dinner without plats and cups getting shattered, couldn't talk..or..it was "just missy, trying to put her two cents in..just go back to your room Melissa"...he would yell at my mom in drunken rages, push her around...I would stick up for my mom, the best way a 9..10..11 year old could, I would tell my dad to *shut up* , to * leave my mommy alone* ...to, * go away *..in turn, my mom...protecting him, despite his actions toward her, despite the holes in doors, despite the mental abuse to all four of her children, would indeed protect him...tell me to *shut up* ...to * mind my own, business *..and the best one..*you just make it all worse Melissa...*..I was trying to stick up for her, but that meant nothing to her...

Go back to my room? But of course. That was the best place to be, and I soon hardly ever came out..listening to the fights from behind my door, or just keeping my ear phones on..turning to angry music to get my through the days, nights...trying my best to wash away the memories of such things like, my drunken father coming home, out of his mind..pushing my mom, shoving me, at 9 years old down..us running away outside at 2 am, to hide under the neighbors porch for the night..watching him drive up and down the road looking for us. Or driving around all hours of the night, searching for the bar dad was out...not even sure what the point of that was. Or being a child and hearing your dad say , he wishes he never had kids, how much better life would be.

To my room? To my room is where I stayed. It where i stayed when my mom, who couldnt deal with my dad anymore ..decided to leave. Not tell anyone, and just leave me there. to just run away and disappear. To then us all get letters, and when my dads was read, it stated how she couldnt deal, and she knew * melissa hated her * are you kidding me? I was 13.

I stayed in my room.
She came back, the family, cops, everyone was involved..she walked back into the house..hair dyed...she had , indeed had enough...and tried to escape. I don't blame her. It was so easy to slam that door, and never come out.

I met someone, who i reluctantly dated. I had turned 19..never really had a boyfriend, besides...that one. Which is more complicated, and had more to do with me staying in my room. Anyways, i had met someone..that wanted to date me..from work. I would say no..no no...i even stood him up, I didnt really want to come out of my room..at all..ever.

I caved. Started meeting up with this person, he told me loved me. Huh? Yeah, ok. So on we went. Months passed, and this person said he loved me. We hung out, and had some great times. Who knew? I was staying at his house more and more...i gravitated to a *new room* and eventually moved in. Before this, I had seen an outrage in him. He loved me, but he was angry..but thats all I knew. Anger. I assumed it was normal. Every man, is angry. My sisters husbands, ex husbands..all angry, my uncle angry...my brothers, dealing with their own childhood problems, going through horrible times trying to work through their own fog...were very angry...and my dad..well we know he was one of the most angry men alive.

Thinking back, I dont remember ..or even think I was in love. I was in ...wow, i am out of my house, and this person loves me..I loved him. As a friend, as a person who was helping me escape ...my room,,and gave me a new room.

That room, was starting to not be peaceful. Like i said, that anger was showing...another angry man, throwing..punching holes in the wall, scaring me to pieces. But, i was promised...* i dont break things I love..ok? * ..uhm..*ok, but it still scares me...i mean, the loud crash, the hole sall through the walls, and doors broken off hinges , remotes and phones crushed to pieces....it does scare me..* This room was not so peaceful. But I had no worries. Because , he didnt break things he loved...

Unless it was never love. Unless it was something, that I just cant understand..but this man was angry, perhaps even more angry than my own father. Soon, it was if i made a peep and it affected him in what he was doing, *my* things would be broken, my water colors, the phone, things would get taken away from me...i kept making the same mistakes over and over again. Soon it was indeed me, getting cans of pop dumped on me, getting my things broken..things taken off me if i made the wrong move, said the wrong thing. This is what I now know, and hate to admit...and can barely say, because some people probably think its bull..was mental abuse. It was wrecking my mind, I was soon...not good enough, fat...ugly..stupid..couldn't cook, couldnt clean good, ate too much..did too little..said all the wrong things..was afraid to breathe...how embarrassing.

And soon, in my room..he must have stopped loving me, because he started breaking me. Breaking my soul apart, worse than my dad ever did. My already fragile ( insert pity part here please ) soul..was being torn apart , bit by bit. He was also, starting to break me...physically. I didn't understand, and still don't..I still blame myself, I am still not sure if I deserved what went on in that room. It took me 8 years and a good friend talking major sense into me, that made me leave..that room. In all this mess, we had a baby. My precious little girl..that did not deserve to see her things get smashed, she did not deserve to have to be afraid.

So, I was abused. Mentally, Physically...and any other way possible.

Saying that on here, is very hard. Sometimes I don't believe it, but obviously something is wrong, was wrong..is wrong...

I had a friend from, forever ago. That talked to me, talked sense into me and was there for me ..through a lot.

I fell in real true love with this friend. We were best friends first, and I fell head over heels in love. I can honestly tell you, that I have never...ever...felt this kind of love before, and have never felt more loved.

This love is perfect. I can stare into his peaceful, quiet eyes..forever. I can lay in his arms all night, and all day. I am slowly learning not to be afraid of this love, of him....his love. I am taken care of, I am never scorned, I wait for it..i look for it, i look for his anger in every move he makes. There is none. This is a man without anger. This is a man, who has had just as a rough life as anyone, and has no anger. I have never seen a man without anger.

The room. His room. He doesn't understand, why i feel comfortable, staying in his room. Its what I know. But this room is peaceful. There is no yelling outside the door, there is no drunk man outside punching holes all through the wall. There is no man, inside the room..breaking my things, yelling at me, breaking me, breaking my heart, my soul...there is nothing but peace. I am left alone. I like being alone. Perhaps that is not a good thing. But its what I know...

I am struggling. While I have found the most perfect, happy, peaceful love in the world...my mind has issues from my past. Why? I don't know. Perhaps in writing this, I can begin to heal. I can have some closure, or not be embarrassed to write out my feelings, when I am having memories of the past, and things are re running over and over in my head, causing me to become near lifeless, and drowning in my tears while everyone sleeps.

I over compensate to this love, I give it my all..and I want to give this man my all. He says to back off a bit. Where is the line? Its a fine line. I want to do it all, I dont want to slack..i want to do it all. I want to take care of this man and my baby to my best ability .

My ability is not very much. While I am so loved, and so happy with this love. I am failing as a person. Failing this love, failing my baby. I want it to stop, but not sure how. I want our own place, I cant keep failing like this. I will get a job, make money and give us a house. Where, we can each have our own rooms to escape to.

I want to heal. I want to have goals, and dreams. I want to pick up my camera and be that photographer that I know I am in my heart. I need to take care of my love and my baby, both of my loves.

Please, dont read this wrong and think..wow this girl can never be happy. I am happy. Its very hard being a single mom, i was a stay at home mom, and now i am just thrown out there...I am learning...I need to make money, work hard, make something out of this..these are hard times..but I am happy and thankful that I am having this opportunity to heal my mind, i am so blessed. I am so so very blessed, that this man loves me..for me. He makes me feel like most loved person in the world..

After all..this is all I ever wanted..was someone to love me.

And now its time to heal. I am going to heal, I am going to move on. I am going to make the best out of whats left of my life.

I love...

2009-11-29T15:40:00.000-08:00

them .

Jeesh oh man, I am totally smitten.
We went to the convention center for an indoor carnival/zoo type thing. Aves loved it. And Zach missed the football game to come with us, how sweet is that. haha, if you only knew just how much he loves football. You would know just how much of a huge gigantic deal this was...and the night before, I kinda stayed up way too late..he had to drag aves and I both out of bed to go...amazing...

And he rode a camel with Aves...and how cute does she look? I know..im biased, but my goodness...

Oh sigh...

Thankful

2009-11-25T17:16:00.000-08:00

I had this whole idea of this blog I would make today, venting, telling my real true feelings of hurt and anger. Letting go all the emotions I hold back and letting it all out on this blog, complaining, whining, crying, making it very apparent just how mad I am at this world.

Then I got to thinking, how tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and even though it will be spent without my Ava, my first holiday without my very own child, I do still have a lot to be thankful for. Isn't that what this is all about, being thankful and realizing all that I do have in my life.

I am thankful that I have a healthy child, I am so thankful for the last four years I have had with her, I am thankful that she is able to tell me she loves me, I am thankful for when I tell her something she doesn't like and she is HERE to roll her eyes at me and do what i told her not to do in the first place. I am thankful that she is HERE to wake me up in the middle of the night because some of her leg is sticking out of the covers, and she needs ME, her mommy, to cover it back for her because she just has to wake ME up from my sleep to do it. Thank you GOD for letting her be here to drive me just a little bit crazy with her humming and singing all day long. I am so thankful that I have the sweetest little girl, with the sweetest little voice, the cutest little pigtails, the most beautiful blue eyes and the biggest little heart.

I am so thankful that I have someone that really loves me, for me. The good moods, the bad moods, the tears, the laughs. He still loves me when I mess up dinner, wash his wallet, when i catch his fav sweatshirt on fire, and even when at times I think I just PUSH his buttons just to see how he will react, ( i dont think i do this on purpose) he still just loves me. Sure we have our little arguments over chicken, political parties, movies, but it is just that...little arguments..and those arguments show me that you can disagree and still be in love through it and he will still come to bed and hold me all night long, I am thankful that he comes to my parents house, drives the two hours with me every two weeks just to make me happy, doesn't complain about it. I am so thankful for the support he gives me, he is my rock. He gives me motivation, knows when to push me and when to back off..i am thankful for his most amazing smile, his calming voice, I am so thankful that he treats my Ava as good as he does. I am so thankful that he loves her and gives her just as much love and hugs as I do. I am thankful that he has given ava and i a stable, safe place to stay until we can get our own place. I am thankful for all the times he tells me "hey you look really pretty today"...melts my heart, and makes me feel so good. I am thankful that he lets me *twirl* his *hair* at night until i fall asleep, I am just so thankful for his pure, true love. It has only been 6 months, but it feels like I have been ( or maybe should have been ) with him for a very long long time.

I am thankful for my Mom, no matter what she is also there for me. No matter how much we fight she still is there for me when i need her. I am so thankful that for the most part the ones I love are healthy and happy. I am thankful I am not starving or dying of some terrible disease, I am thankful that I have clothes to wear, shoes to put on, and ways to keep warm. I am thankful that I have a car that gets me around for the first time ever, I am thankful for my friends that listen to me, and show their concern and offer their advice when I need it.

So thank you Ava, Zach, Mom and friends for being there for me and keeping me going.

Expressions...

2009-11-10T23:17:00.000-08:00

I *think* Miss Aves might just make a good actress one day...

She can be so serious..

Have so much attitude

Can be SOOOO MAD

Sooo silly...

and Oh So Sweet ♥

More sickies and pumpkins..

2009-10-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

So it has been almost a month since I last blogged..I was really getting into my blogging, then we started getting sick.

A couple weeks ago my princess started feeling sick, had a cough that never really went away. She went with her Dad for the weekend and came home super sick. She was grunting, listless, falling asleep at 6pm. And those of you that know my Aves and her story, know she doesn't just fall asleep at 6pm. While she was sleeping she was crying and whining in her sleep so I took her to the ER.

Oh boy. She was only SATing at 93, and her poor little heart was beating at 193 bmp. That scared me pretty darn bad. They gave her a breathing treatment and the *mean* nurse attempted to give her a dose of steroids, liquid. Ok, also those of you that know my Ava and her story know that she does not eat much food, let alone take any type of medication for me. They held her down, squeezed her nose, and still none of it got down...just like I said it wouldn't..but hey what do I know?

Then it came time to draw blood and insert an IV. They were thinking she was badly dehydrated and wanted to give her fluids. What a nightmare. The *mean* nurse could not get the needle in for the life of her. She tried three times in one arm, and then Avas arm broke out in little red dots everywhere, her entire arm was covered from her blood vessels breaking. THAT is when I decided we needed a break. My baby screamed and cried, bit her lip or tongue and was spitting out blood..it was a mess. Soon they tried again and got it in her hand and was able to give her fluids.
Her heart didnt drop dramatically but enough to be sent home with an inhaler.

Since then she still has a nagging cough and her heart still feels like it is beating way tooo fast , and we are going to have to get that checked out.

I got sick a week later and ended up at the ER with an ear infection, I am SURE my ear drum has ruptured or something. Really, the initial onset of pain that hurt almost as much as giving birth. Now it feels like a regular ear ache with a horrible ringing sound. Pretty much all i hear is like a roaring ringing sound, which I am almost ...almost...getting used to. ALSO, you guessed it..another throat infection. What gives? Really? I am so sick of dealing with my throat. I am sure my tonsils need out or I have some crazy throat problem, or immune system issue.

But life must go on, as halloween is coming, so right out of the ER we took the kids ( Ava and Zachs nephew Thomas) to this really nice pumpkin patch. It was really super awesome, with the tractor ride, and the patch and apple cider..a DREAM for me, I love that kinda thing. I just wish I was feeling ok enough to actually enjoy it. I tried! and the kids had a ball..wish I had taken more pictures, and pardon miss aves attire...apparently my eyeballs weren't working either that day, my sense of fashion has went out the door with my hearing..

Staying true to herself, she ended up picking a very small nice pumpkin. She loves small things, and not into the whole huge pumpkin deal. Which was fine by me.

I wanted to mention Meg, my good friend since childhood who is very sick . Started out as Swine flu and ended up with double pneumonia. She is in the ICU on a ventilator. Please send prayers and good thoughts Megs way.

Really, I think we are all about done with not feeling well, here is to healthy vibes and a healthy rest of fall/winter.

Tossing and turning...

2009-10-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

So here it is 1:41AM, I have a million things to do tomorrow ..and I can't sleep. Nothing unusual for me, I usually can't sleep. For some reason, tonight is particularly frustrating. Maybe because, usually I just stay up all night talking to friends, or working on pictures, messing around online until the wee hours of the morning, and this time, as of late, I have been trying my hardest to sleep at a decent time..and I just can't fall asleep.

Millions of things running through my head, some meaningless like the fact that my blanket is pretty darn uncomfy, its like hard..scratchy...not at all squishy and soft like someone elses I know. Or about buffalo chicken dip, how when you pour the hot sauce in and it starts boiling on the stove and it burns your eyeballs out and makes you sneeze...yes, these are things I am thinking about as I lay in bed, trying to sleep.

Other more important things, like how mighty difficult it is to share your child after a divorce. I do not like one thing about it, but it is something that I have to do. It is not for me, it is not for the other party involved ..it is for Ava. She loves her "other" family, and I know her grandmother adores her and spoils her to death. Still, the sharing...breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart, worrying about what other people think of how much I do share her with her "other" family. I won't go into much detail, because well, it's a very touchy subject. Lets just say, right now I can't give Ava, what they can give her. Being a single mom is hard...lets face it, we struggle, and they don't. Wow talk about being brutally honest, on my photo blog.

My emotions are swinging back and forth, on one hand I am so very happy, on the other I could burst into tears at any moment. I guess I am not a very patient person, and it seems like the more I try to do something, the harder I fail/fall. Lately, I want to throw my hands in the air and just say..ok I give up, someone else do this!! Then I get that strong, positive feeling that I can do just about anything I put my mind to, and I will have this and that, and I will be able to be what I want to be, and where I want to be , and doing what I want to be doing. Make sense? Its like I have that " i want what i want and i want it now, and i am going to get it and no one or nothing is going to stop me, so THERE" then...nothing happens. I guess patience is indeed the key here. I need to have patience with myself, others and just life. I guess you can say I have, when you look at it from all points, come a long way.

Autism has been on my mind, ok it has never left my mind, but lately..it weighs on my mind heavy, like when Miss princess was first diagnosed. It is safe to say, I hate Autism. Hate. Literally, hate it. I know things could be worse, I am very blessed to have a healthy, beautiful, pig tailed 4 yr old, but it is still a struggle.
I guess something I wanted to get off my mind, is Autism is NOT catchy. I had a blog about this all made up and ready to post, but decided not to. I will keep this more simple. Sure your ..uhm, shall we say, typical..child..may start imitating some of the stims , my uhmm non typical ( dislike using those kind of words) child may be doing, but that doesn't mean your child will suddenly become Autistic overnight, or keep doing those stims for the rest of their lives...unlike mine, who probably will never stop humming, spinning..ect. So Autism is not catchy.
And no, ava doesnt like to be hugged or touched by young children, and yes she gets creeped out by large crowds and starts doing silly things when strangers are around. Please keep all comments about it to yourself :) haha ok, there is my harshness coming out. Have I mentioned, I hate Autism?

It is Domestic Violence awareness month. Just throwing that out there as its another thing that's on my mind.

And now that I got some things off my chest, and am virtually seeing double, I will try to sleep. Maybe counting sheep will help, or maybe just blogging about all this helped and I will fall fast asleep! We shall see.

Monkey Balls, Halloween, its Fall!

2009-09-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

This blog is going to be full of well..photos..being that this is indeed a photo blog..

It is fall, and I am actually loving it..for now. I love the new colors, the leaves on the ground, the upcoming holidays...

When it stopped raining for a brief 30 mins, we took our chance and went outside to get some decorating done for Halloween, pick monkey balls ..and just enjoy the fresh clean air.
We needed hats and scarves, and layered clothing...no joke, it didnt get out of the 40s!

Aves chased Mia with a stick all over the yard...poor Mia!

We picked monkey balls to place in the house to keep spiders away..
Aves wasn't too sure at first..

Then she was ok with it once I told her they were used to keep yucky spiders away! And started pointing out to us which ones we should pick up and take back home..

Then it was time to decorate for fall/halloween...

Nanny and Aves stepped back to admire their work, soon as Miss Aves sees the camera pointed at them she slips her hat down.. gotta love her :)

Happy Fall!!

Curves

2009-09-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

I have been having major issues with my weight. I usually do not ever, ever talk about it to others besides a select few, and I am not writing this to get " omg miss you look great" comments. So please none of that! I am just really struggling with body image! Have been for quite some time, and I am probably at my all time low. How strange is it that I am also, close to my all time low weight, of when I was in 8th grade! How could that be possible that I am at one of my lowest weights ever, and at my all time low in struggling with body image? Go figure!

I was reading about curvy celebrities...are you freaking seriously kidding me? Shakira was one of the first names that came up, "at 103-105 pounds curvy shakira" huh? 103-105 pounds is curvy? Since when? Jessica Alba curvy? haha. Hahaha..oh sorry. But where does anyone see one CURVE on miss Alba? Sure she has some ass on her but it just a normal skinny girl ass.. there are no curves on that girls body. Supposedly she is 5'7 and 110 pounds.
Others listed as curvy stars who weigh no more than 113 pounds, and are ALL 5'5 and above include, Jesscia Biel, Kylie Minogue and Jennifer Gardner. It really baffles me to think that people think these women are "curvy". Pfft. How irritating.

*disclaimer...now these ladies are still skinny, but way more near the average american woman, who is on average a size 12 and 160 pounds.
Now let me show you some curves, on women that I think are smokin' hot.
Khloe Kardashian..my favorite! She is really hot ( can you tell I have no problem saying when a chick is hot..) but she has real curves and some junk in the trunk!

Sarah Ramirez

and who could forget her sexy underwear dance on grey's :)

Lizzie Miller? This woman is gorgeous :)

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Others like America Ferrera, even Rachel Ray for goodness sakes...all real women, with a real body.

I really need to practice what I preach, and honestly I will never be Nicole Richie skinny, and do I really even want to be?

Probably not.

Love yourself ladies :) Every little inch!

Buffalo Chicken Dip

2009-09-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, SO I am so not a cook. I like to do it..sometimes..but I am not all about recipes and this and that. Most certainly not a betty crocker in the kitchen. I really actually kinda suck at it.

Oh sure, I can make one awesome GRILLED cheese, and some super good soup. Oh yes, I love to make chicken tacos..ect ect. Maybe I Just need more of an opportunity to cook. Which I will get really soon, I hope.

But lately, just lately, I have had the mega urge to start cooking and baking. Here is what I am making tomorrow. This stuff is so good. There are many recipes floating around out there but I use this recipe that I got off my sister. Everyone loves it, and it goes REALLY fast.

Buffalo Chicken Dip
2 cups Franks Red Hot Sauce
2 Cans of tyson or swanson..all white chicken breast ( u know the kind in a can , looks like a tuna can..ok im sure you all know that, but i didn't.. haha )
1 package of cream cheese
1 pack of mild cheddar cheese ( you know the shredded kind.. ;p )

Melt cream cheese on the stove with hot sauce, mix in the chicken ..bake about 30 mins...then take out and mix in the mild cheddar....

Use Ritz crackers to dip in it. YUM. Or tortilla chips, the scoop kind. ooooomg. ♥ Enjoy ;)

Ok that was the worst wrote recipe ever..but hey :) I am just a photographer, who is learning how to cook now :) I will take pics of my dip when I am done. Hope it turns out good :) :)

Sickies!

2009-09-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

So that is pretty much what has been going on. Some really strange thing has been happening to my neck, throat...gland area. In the last 6 months it has happened 3 times.
This past June was one of the worst..this is really going to be gross, so read at your own risk :) Hey I warned you !!....

It hits me all the sudden, my body will start hurting, aching, like I am getting the flu. That will last a few days, I mean it REALLY hurts. Then about 2 days after that, BAM..my throat and tonsils start swelling. ( here is the gross part..) they get white patches on the tonsils. It is really really not a nice thing. The pain is unbearable. Then one or two days after that, the glands in my neck start swelling, and I run a fever. It is indeed..terrible. In June I went to the dr, everything came back fine. No strep, no mono, no bacteria grew at all. She gave me an antibiotic instead, and said...if it is indeed something bacterial, the antibiotic will work very fast. And that it did. Within a day or so I was starting to feel better.

So this brings me to a week ago, I was complaining to Zach how my body just hurt. It was killing me. I wasn't really thinking anything of, we brushed it off as just getting sore from being more active. At night my upper back just killed me. Wouldn't you know it, 2 days later I am sitting here at my computer, back and body aching ..and I swallow and it hurt like heck. I knew in an instant. I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a flashlight, shined it down my throat, and yup. Two swollen, white patched covered tonsils. NO!
I decided to try to head it off early, went to the ER and they just brushed it off. They ran a step test and that was it. Told me to go home, rest and come back if it got worse.
And worse it did get. Over night, my fever ran high, I was shaking with chills, I could no longer open my mouth, my neck was so swollen I could not move it. SOOO, they said come back if it got worse....4 in the morning, I said to heck with it, i could no longer deal with the pain, and off I went back to the ER.

They were NOT happy to see me, and some of those nurses at Uniontown Hospital have the WORST bedside manner. Terrible. Horrible, awful, mean people. If you dont like your job THAT much, please just stay home in bed. Ok enough of that ranting.

After nearly 3 hours of sitting there, I started to not be able to breathe good. I felt my neck getting bigger, I could not swallow anymore. I was gagging and gasping. UGH. And in walked the dr lady that seen me yesterday. She remembered me, and she said " oh honey, you are way worse!" no crap. But your little mean nurse lady out there was acting like I was a criminal for coming to the ER for a sore throat..just not a soar throat, this is 10 x worse.
She saw how i was having trouble breathing, felt my neck and could not believe how swollen it had gotten not even 24 hours later. She ordered a steroids, vicodin and said we would try an antibiotic. Oh thank you lord.

Until...the young nurse dude walks in. One I had not met with yet, and told me had to give me a shot of steroids. Okk...I can be brave I can do this. Then he said the words " I have to give it to you in your butt" ...his face turned red, mine turned red, and I said " uhhhhhhhm are you kidding me ?? " ( i can barely talk at all at this point..) " no not kidding you, haha...its ok" " no its not, I think i would rather just go home " Nurse dude with more nervous laughing " oh no, your neck is too swollen and you can't breathe, and trust me you will feel A Loooooot better after this" Me not able to even look at him anymore so staring at the ground "NO" Nurse dude "yes, now pick a cheek..i will let you pick it..now just stick it out" next thing I know im getting a shot in my butt cheek. And well darn it, it hurt!

But..it has helped, while my glands are still out there, i can move my neck, open my mouth, and swallow.

I really don't know what is going on with me, and trust me I have thought the worst. I will have to go see an ENT or something. I just really hope the antibiotic kicks in and heals whatever it is....again.

Just one, please..

2009-09-06T15:57:00.001-07:00

Going to the movies alone. Oh sigh. Its not that bad, but jeeesh oh peets, why do I feel like a total ...a total...well a big loner that has no friends for doing it?

Hey, I have friends! ( though many are virtual, imaginary friends ;p..hi 3Y), I even have a wonderful boyfriend, that happens to live..like ..way to far away from me. Ok, 2 hours away, but honestly..that feels like ..way..way toooo far away these days. It isn't easy to just pick up and go to the movies when you have that drive ahead of you..( And oh I don't really have my own car to do that, but we won't go there right now) plus, he seems to have some aversion to chick flicks.

So, me feeling trapped and needing out..decides I am going to go see a movie. So I looked over my selections and chose to go see All About Steve. It had horrible reviews, but Bradley Cooper is in it and, really who cares what the movie is like if he is in it. Not that I have any type of silly celebrity adoration toward him, nope nothing like that.

I think my friends and family thought I was sneaking off somewhere to do something terrible, or hiding something, because when I told them where I was heading, of course they asked..who are you going with? Uhm myself! My father, who has always been overly protective, and is STILL overly protective towards me, I guess someone forgot to tell him I am 29 now....started lecturing me on drinking and driving, and this and that. Dad! I am seriously going to the movies, alone. Jeesh oh my. Just because I have had a series of unfortunate events and have moved back home, does not mean I have turned back into the 18 year old that left home 11 years ago, I did actually age in that time period. I am almost certain he came to the theater to make sure the car was there...to see yes indeed, I did go to the theater, alone. My Mom was totally convinced I was off to do something illegal or something, she said " I know you aren't going to a movie.." Sure Mom, you got me! I am off to rob a liquor store and using the movies as some type of alibi..yes, thats it.

I got all dressed and put some makeup on and off I went. I pulled into the lot and was thinking, should I realllly do this alone? It Saturday night, a 720 movie, and it was super crowded. I was doing it! Heck I have done this once before, I can do it again.

Off I go, walk up to the theater doors, waited in line patiently for my turn. I have to admit, was kind of jealous at all the couples that seemed to be out, why in the world can't my significant other live closer to me, really must you all cuddle and hold hands like that, okkkkk yea thats enough...sharing a little kiss in public..ok go get a room people! So I tried to push my jealously out of my head and just relax.

Finally after all the groping couples it was my turn. Of course I got someone that could not hear a word I said. "How many" asked the dude behind the desk..."One, for All about Steve" ..Ok so I said it in barely audible whisper so the huge line of people ( more groping couples ) wouldn't hear me..."Excuse me? How many??" "just one, for All About Steve" -- Dude behind the desk " All about Steve? Just one?? " What the heck. Are you TRYING to make me feel stupid? Are you trying to make me have to scream it so the all those groping couples can hear that yes I am indeed, at the movies alone? What is your evil plan,mister?

"Yes, Just one please"..now I am screaming it. He runs out of tickets or something and runs over to the next lady, he then looks up to me and stars motioning from behind his little glass window that by now I would love to put my hand through and shake him like no tomorrow, doing some kind of sign language dance and mouthing from across the way " Just one right? " and holding up one finger. Oh my peets, "YES, just one please!!!" I screamed it loud enough for all of Uniontown to hear. Hope you are happy ticket guy!

Finally, I got my ticket and was allowed through the doors. Now off to the snack counter where I was hoping it would be much easier of a task. I wait my turn and I order a small popcorn, small sprite and sour jacks ( Yes Sour Jacks..not Sour Patch Kid things, Sour Jacks are 100 times better, and the green one are the best! ) I am very paranoid now, and I am wondering if all people that go to the movies alone order a small popcorn and a small drink, maybe I should have gotten a large popcorn, large drink and several candies to disguise the fact that I am there alone. I wonder if this vendor dude is thinking how much of a loser I am, because he knows if I wasn't alone, I would most definitely not have gotten this small miniature popcorn. Then again, it wasn't that small..now I am wondering if he is thinking, wow is she going to eat that whole thing herself?? Plus she got candy. Oh to be able to really read minds.

Got my ticket, got my snacks, now to head into the movie. Thank goodness the previews had already started which made it semi dark, I creeped in slowly, I really didn't want to walk down any further, and I was almost sure the back row would be taken by one of those groping couples, and I was sure if I turned to look and see if that row was open, that I would catch that groping couple making out or something, and now that is something I just didn't want to see. I couldn't help myself and turned to check out that row, and thankfully no groping couple, in fact..that row was totally not taken.

I took a seat right in the middle of the row, assured that no one would want to sit back there now, who would want to sit a few seats down for some lonely lady at the movies. I even put my purse in the seat next, not like I was trying to make it look like I was saving a seat for someone or anything.

I finally got comfortable, and I totally enjoyed myself. The movie was great. Like some really sweet friend told me, going alone is the best way to go, you don't have to worry about the other person not liking the movie! So true, as I am sure my boyfriend would really have been miserable seeing this movie, which would have made me feel bad and in turn it would have just been a sucky experience. Instead it was really nice, and I laughed out loud at all the funny parts, giggled, ate my popcorn and sour jacks and forgot about being lonely for a good 2 hours.

So don't be afraid of going to the movies alone, it's actually quite liberating! ( Well, once you get your ticket, snacks, and sit down in the movie :) )

Dramatic..

2009-09-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

This girl. She is so funny these days. She says the most random things, her imagination is taking off and I am just so excited to wake up every day to find out what she is going to come up with next.

I honestly, at one point, had convinced myself that she was never going to talk. Through lots of attention, therapy, and countless hours spent telling her exactly what to say and when to say it, she is coming up with some things on her own. It is just hilarious.
If I can't figure out what she is saying, she will start doing her hand signs, or finally give up, get mad and say " you just dont understand me!!"

And talk about DRAMATIC! She makes the funniest faces when she talks, her facial expressions are what does it for me!

ok ok, enough...here are some short videos...the first one, totally cracks me up how she says "yeah"...is that some type of accent??

This one she is talking about how Mia, my moms dog, ate her winter glove...which didnt really happen, just that awesome little imagination kicking in..

:)

Starbucks and Bedtime...

2009-09-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

Bed time for Ava has always been a trying time to say the least. She slept ok the first 3 months of her life, then after that..sleep..just wasn't heard of. At least for the first 3 years she was waking up 5-6 times a night. Sometimes more than that, and no I am not being dramatic, exaggerating, stretching the truth or any of that. She just recently start to sleep about a 4 hour stretch without waking up.

Now after 4 years of not sleeping , or being woke up every 30 mins on the dot, I cannot sleep. I stay up to unheard of hours, ~~playing isketch, harvesting my crops on facebook, and listening to music~~ trying my hardest to fall asleep...ok so I have given up on trying :)

I suppose I should not have drank this caffeine, sugar loaded, whipped cream topped Pumpkin Spice Latte...I am sure this is not going to help my efforts to fall asleep at a decent time tonight ...

Now to my credit, that was Ava's cookie, that she just had to have..and ended up not liking, now it just sitting here..hmm.

...and you would think Miss Aves had a latte herself tonight. She would not calm down for anything, and would have none of this story reading...

The bad thing is, I knew she was tired. You just know when they can't keep their eyes open and they start doing anything and everything to stay awake. She had to pee, get a "grink", throwing the " im ungry" one out there that makes you feel so guilty as a parent, especially as a parent of a child that never eats, even though you KNOW its just an excuse, but you march out there and give her an "easter bunny ogurt, only for her to announce after one lick that she is done... soon she just resorted to jumping on the bed like a mad woman...child...

I just adore when she sticks her fingers out like this..

Yes yes, my child was pulling out all the stops tonight, and I could not help but to pull out my camera, possibly encouraging her silliness, and take some snaps.

Eventually she was willing to pass out hugs..
and make her trademark face, that I havent been able to catch on camera in awhile..

....and fall fast asleep...

Now me? I have some crops to harvest :)

Before Autism

2009-08-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

Before Autism. Well there was never really a before Autism, but before the diagnoses of Autism, Ava was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder, for short SID.

I am making this post, because I mentioned it in my previous post and some people had some questions on it.

SID is complicated, hard to explain to people, and most people will look at you like you have three heads when you try to explain why your child has not ate in three days "Oh she has sensory integration disorder, you know her senses are all messed up, she gets stuck on one, food , crunchy to her feels like she is chewing on rocks...you know SID?" No. Most people don't know. Most people think you are a loony bin that gives into her childs "pickyness" and if you would just...make her sit there for hours, or not feed her for days..she will give in. No. No she wont. Quite frankly, I am sure if I cut out all the foods Ava does eat, the carbs, the crackers, the pepperoni and bacon and the "one kinda soup with straight noodles only" and the bad junk food, she would..indeed..starve.

Oh Eating. Eating. The dreaded breakfast time, lunch time, dinner time. I can't even begin to explain to you how stressful these times of day are to me. She never liked to eat, never. I remember crying my eyes out because as a 9 month old she refused all baby food. Would go days and days without eating. And I would go days and days of crying. Not knowing what was going on. People need to eat, this little baby of mine..,needs to eat to live, to grow..to start meeting those all important baby milestones.

Along with the eating, she was just a quiet baby. Never made much noise, was late to sit, crawl, walk, didnt use her arms much. I remember voicing my concerns to her dr, that my baby just wasn't very active, didn't reach with her arms, and when she did she would get distracted, almost like a 4 or 5 month old would get lost in staring at her own hands. It was put off. I was just a mom that was worrying way too much. She would eventually eat, because we all eventually eat. She would use her hands when she was ready, because we all eventually use our hands of course.

As she got older she hated going outside, hated noises, started to walk around 17 months, but was oh so careful. She didn't get into things, those locks on the cabinets just weren't needed. She never would climb, run around, she took her time anything. Wouldn't engage with her peers at the playground and would most certainly NOT play on the playground equipment.

Finally after one evening at the park, which was this evening here

I decided that I needed to get Ava some help. To find some answers once and for all. So she could do more than just sit at the park. That next morning I called our local Early Intervention. They were very helpful and soon came out to give Ava an evaluation.

Right away they had a pretty good idea what was going on, and begin to explain SID to me, with also flutters of the word Autism, but she was still too young for that diagnoses. Which indeed came later, as I was told, SID can go hand in hand with Autism.

Ava was assigned a speech, occupational therapist, and a special instructor, as she was very very delayed and failed every portion of the test. She was 19 months and was scoring in the 8-9 month range for just about everything.

That all is another post, so let me get back to the whole sensory thing.

Her OT worked mostly with those issues, we went step by step. Starting with dry noodles in a big container, trying to get Ava to touch them..that took a few weeks, then we moved on to rice and started getting Ava to go outside more to deal with the sounds. With SID kids perceptions are so much higher...the way I remember Kate, her wonderful OT, explaining to me was that it was like if we were laying on the couch reading a book, we could feel the fabric on our skin, like REALLY feel it, we could hear all the dogs barking in the neighborhood, feel the paper from the book on our skin like sandpaper, hear and feel the slightest breeze, hear all the cars going down the road from the highway below, all the while trying to concentrate on the book we are trying to read.

Most of us can block all that out, happily sit on the couch, the tv on, book in hand and read.

Children/Adults with SID have trouble doing that, and need help to cope with their sensory overload.

Our biggest issue is eating. We are getting there, while at a slow slow pace. There was a point where I had just given up. Which is something you should never do, as it just helps things to spiral out of control even more..but there is hope. Ava asked me a couple days ago for "ogurt with the easter bunny on it" meaning she wanted yogurt, the Trix kind, and I have no idea where she even came up with that idea, but my mom ran to the store and bought it for her and low and behold she ate two easter bunny yogurts. She would never touch yogurt before this and would gag and throw up when we would try to get her to eat it.

But she ate it. Granted, its more sugary food, not exactly an apple or orange, but it is something different from breading off a chicken nugget, cheese cracker, or bacon. A step in the right direction.

Therapy is wonderful and its AMAZING when you see your child start to do things that other children have no problem with like playing in water for the first time :

Touching a bubble during OT for the first time

Writing on herself with marker and having no problem with it for the first time

Touching foam was a huge deal for us :)

And maybe, just maybe down the road I will be able to share a picture of Aves eating a steak or something crazy :)

Now the links I promised...

My fav youtube videos explaining SID
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6O6Cm0WxEZA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMTxViXh64w

And my most favorite SID website
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/index.html

Also this is informative :)

Living On Thin Air: How to Get Your Asperger Kid to Eat a Healthy Diet

View more documents from Nancy Mucklow.

Back shots....snap shots...

2009-08-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

My Ava was not in the best mood today. A few 4 year old temper tantrums, her refusal to get in the car because my mom moved it to the driveway, throwing fits about this and that, just not a good day for her!

But she got new rainboots...a new umbrella...and was sporting a super cute blue dress, and hey it rained like all day...oh my photographer mind couldn't resist. I just had to! Hey and there were mud puddles. She doesn't like swimming, do to her Sensory Integration Disorder, I am assuming..nor doesn't care for baths..but give this girl a mud puddle, and she is happy. So hey, bad mood..
yes..but there were mud puddles.

When I got out the camera to take some shots of her with her new umbrella and boots, I should not have been surprised at her response. " Mama, I am not, NOT, gonna 'ook at you ..." I just kinda laughed, oh but of course you will look at me, I have tricks up my sleeve little one...you always fall for them...you always "ook" at me, at least a few times in my endeavors of taking pictures of your cute little self.

Hmm. Today was different. She would not fall for any of my tricks..."open your eyes big so I can get the catchlights, I mean so your eyes will sparkle!!" " OH my is that a PLANE in the sky??" " What is behind me, a car? a bus? a truck? what..a butterfly ??"

No, Nothing worked. Not one thing at all. Not even her super fun mud puddles. She was on a mission to totally act like I didn't even exist. She did her thing, while i begged and pleaded for one little glance.

If you are wondering just what she is doing in these pics, she is playing in tar. I used to play in those same tar...patches?..when I was little. Popping the bubbles, writing our names all over the road in that tar, getting it all over me, getting in trouble as my parents would have to wash it off of me with gasoline, listening to them forbid me to ever go near a tar patch on the road, ever ever again, but the tar was calling me and just about every summer day, I came home with tar all over me...and oh it was fun.
And now Aves has discovered those same tar...patches...and must pop all the bubbles. And no, we have not bickered over who is going to pop them, I of course, let her have all the bubbles to herself..because I am 29,and she is 4, and I would never fight with Aves over a tar bubble. Right.

Decided to use my new action on these, snapshot-like photos.

Why do people have to live in the neighborhood and park their cars where it destroys my backgrounds :)

And maybe just maybe tomorrow will be a new day, and Aves will want to share more of her face with us ..but for now, here is a peek!

Miss Pennsylvania...you never know!

2009-08-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

My niece. My beautiful, wonderful, full of hope and dreams niece. Samantha. Although when she was first born ( I was 9, and my sister was my whole world..she took care of me..we did not need this little, squirmy, crying...thing ) I ordered my sister to put her back, take her back where you got her from, we don't need this baby I informed her. Please put her back. I begged. I pleaded.

Soon, this little girl would grow on me. I would carry her around, she was like my own little personal doll. We got a little older, i would make her play school. I would read her books and make her tell me what happened in those said books. Her reading comprehension was not so hot, ( she never really did get that, as she still can't read and let it sink in .. ;p ) but man oh man did I try, over and over again. I would do her hair and burn her head countless times with the curling iron ( a little pay back? hmm...)

Then we got a little more older, I had a new infatuation with music, not music a 7 year old should ever be listening to, hip hop music, with many curse words and lyrics that neither one of us quite got-( at that time hah ) but she listened to it and danced, and we sang and made up silly dances. I would drive her and her friends around town, because she thought I was cool, and my car was cool, and my music was WAY cool...

While I was busy in college myself, having a baby, getting married, having a baby diagnosed with Autism, we grew apart. She was doing so well for her self, a cheerleader, a social butterfly, doing awesome in school ( besides the reading comprehension of course haha ) and living her teenage life.

My getting a divorce, and love for photography would soon throw us back together. She was there for me, who would have thought, that little, red , squirmy baby that I had ordered back to babyland 18 years ago, was now there for me . She comforted me through hard times,moved me and Ava into her room, listened to me whine and cry when a certain someone would log off without telling me goodnight, many many late night drives to just about anywhere in southwest PA. Oh, and how I love our hours of sitting at Eat N Park sharing food, drinking endless cups of coffee with a side of whipped cream...ok many sides of whipped cream... who can forget our trips to just about every "on the lawn" pens game. She encouraged ME to not look back , look forward, don't give up on what I wanted and to smile.. a lot.

She endured me making her go outside in 6 inches of snow and 10 degree weather, because I just had to have snow pictures, and wearing sweaters in 90 degree weather because Iam missing fall like pictures, to me ordering her around, outfit changes, where to stand, how to stand, how to part her lips....but hey..she listened, unlike some little 4 year old that I have to chase and beg, this beautiful adult listens to me, and lets me go at my own pace.

All the while I do have to endure her being overly critical about herself and asking me if I am using my " fat lens" and begging for pics 10 mins after we get home from a photo shoot...oh but she listens and doesn't run around :)

Sam is blessed with the gift of motivation, if she wants it she gets it. She dreams big, and has now started on a whole new path in life. She sent in photos from one of our photo shoots to ( forgive me, I am waiting on details from her ) the Miss Pennsylvania pageant and is being considered. Even to be considered, is such an honor. She heard from them, got paper work and is working on sponsors.

I am so proud of her, she has went from this , a shy, bashful girl in front of the camera, to this amazingly confident woman in front of the camera..

I will always be there for you Sam, good luck and never stop following your dreams! So glad Sissy didn't "put you back" !! ♥

The Pack Pack..

2009-08-26T15:17:00.001-07:00

Oh the Pack pack. This Dora Back pack was a gift from Zach's (my super wonderful boyfriend that you will hear me talk a lot about ;0) ) parents. Let me tell you, when they first handed it to her she became overcome with shyness, forgot her manners , and I had to force her to say thank you. How embarrassing.

It was like she was waiting for them to leave to enjoy this new "pack pack", they left, she grabbed it and put it on and has barely taken it off ever since. She started sleeping with, eating with it, taking it to the bathroom with her.

"Mommy, you can peek in it, but shhh dont tell no one k ?" So I unzipped the Pack pack, and oh my...my super sweet newly turned 4 year old was hoarding a bunch of things in there. No wonder it never leaves her side!

Little green ranger? Army men? A few cowboys and indians...( Sorry Thomas ( Zachs gorgeous little nephew ) we will return these items to you as soon as possible! ) a fruit roll up, lollipops, crayons, markers, and a few little pets. Oh my, she had a huge smile on her face, and she was sharing her secret with me . How in the world could I possibly get angry with her for stealing Thomas' toys ( yes yes, we will return them ..) She quietly zipped Pack Pack back up, smiled so sweetly, shyly, and with an ornary look in her eyes put Pack Pack back on her back, and off she went.

Don't worry, we did indeed have a talk later about not taking other peoples things, and how we are going to return those things to their rightful owner.

Without further ado, here is Miss Aves with her Pack Pack that contains stolen army men and boy toys, junk food and her sweetest treasures.

Missy's Musings

Anxiety

Vaccines

Pertussis

Diptheria

Dreams

Thoughts

If this deployment makes me fat...

Numb

Today

long deployments *not for the easily offended*

Forgiving

Train of thought

Thankful

Alright/y

Mood Swings

The homeless lady talks some sense into me

Alianna's Birth Story

Whats on my mind?

Not Me Monday!

Thoughts tonight

Thoughts this morning

Not Me Monday

Happy stuff

Tongue Biting...

Getting things done..

Changes..

Right Now

Jump and Believe

To My Room..

I love...

Thankful

Expressions...

More sickies and pumpkins..

Tossing and turning...

Monkey Balls, Halloween, its Fall!

Curves

Buffalo Chicken Dip

Sickies!

Just one, please..

Dramatic..

Starbucks and Bedtime...

Before Autism

Back shots....snap shots...

Miss Pennsylvania...you never know!

The Pack Pack..

long deployments not for the easily offended