Friday, May 15, 2015

Poorly written

There are days I still feel controlled, all these years later. 

This is from an online journal I had kept and later forwarded to one of my best friends, When I had finally confessed the life I had been living. A dark secret. I never told anyone during those 6-7 years because I had actually believed I was THIS Person, a horrible person, that deserved it all. I thought it as normal.

I am publishing my article to free myself, once and for all. To maybe help someone else out that might be going through the same thing. I DID get out, I did make a better life for myself....I CAN continue to be ok. I DID it. I am not those terrible things he says I was. I am a human, I have feelings, I have a heart and am worthy of love.

Very poorly written from years ago. If you make it through this, you are a saint. But hopefully it helps someone.

Sent: Monday, December 8, 2007 12:27:38 AM

First physical encounter:
A few months after I had moved in we were hanging out in his room. He was playing a computer game and I was reading a book.  The phone rang and it was my mom. She told me she broke down, and needed help. Her tire was flat and she was stranded. She wanted to know if Frank could come and help. I remember feeling nervous about that, but I said Ok. We will be there very soon.
I hung up the phone and turned to Frank, very busy at his game. I told him the situation and he immediately got angry and told me he was not leaving the house, he was busy with his game, my mom could find someone else to help. I was devestated, and even embarrassed that I would have to tell my mom that he my bf of a year did not want to come help her.  So I decided to ask again, well that was a mistake. I remember the “look” in his eyes, and I will never forget it as I got to know it well over the next 6 years. He jumped up from his chair and grabbed me by my shoulders and started to shake me, tell me to shut the fuck up, and he wasn’t helping my  loser mother when he was playing his game, how dare I even ask him to stop playing.  Of course, I started to apologize profusely…he grabbed me by my shirt then and dragged me to the steps.  He tried to push me down them, I fell to the floor in fear and was begging him NOT to push me down the flight of steps. The fight ensued.  He twisted and turned my wrist in effort to what seemed like break it off as we struggled at the top of the steps. I kept telling him I was sorrry and to please just let me go help my Mom my self. Finally, he let me go.

I left in a hurry and in a daze. I remember the tears pouring down my face and the bright red marks on my wrist, I was thinking how can I cover this so my mom doesn’t see?  I pulled my sleeves lower over the bright red marks, that were already turning to bruises . Something I learned to do very well over the next years. My head was pounding, my shoulders were aching. Most of all my heart aching.
Why? What did I do? Did that just happen? Of course he had already been emotionally abusive to me, but I hadnt realized it just yet, and I never thought he would literally try to throw me down the steps for asking him to help my mom.  Yet, I still ..even to this day...blame myself. I should not of bothered him while he was playing the game, I should have been more understanding, not nagged him about it. I def do not claim to be perfect.

That was the first of many bruises, lumps, blood, slaps in face, things thrown at me from across the room, boiling hot food thrown in my face and on and on.

Mental Torture:
So what probably hurt me worse was, his words. I would almost prefer being thrown down the steps than to be tortured with hateful words.  This started soon after I moved in. Mostly it was he was playing a game, and if things did not go his way he would take it out on me. I would just go to work, come home and cater to his needs.  He was not working at the time, and it was a good year that I would go to work and come home to his nasty attitude. 

Say he would “die” in the game he played, he would start punching the wall, multiple holes in the walls, break everything around him.  Then it got to the point where somehow it managed to be my fault. If I talked to him at the wrong time, or the phone rang and I answered it or didn’t answer it,  I would just cough and if it coincided with him having a bad moment, it was my fault. So I would need punished. He would take my things and break them. If I was watching tv, he would punch it , turn it off, take the remote and break it and told me I was never allowed to watch tv again. So I would sit there tears in my eyes, and just sit. For hours. While he played his game. The cycle would continue on and on, he would break just about everything I liked. He knew the phone was my life line. I begged him not to break it. He told me that I should not bring it near him if I didn’t want him to break it. So I would leave it downstairs, hide it. And he would go search for it and throw it against the wall a million times, until it was into little piece then say “ See what you did? See what you make me do? “  “clean it up!! NOW “  I would have to clean up his mess while he would talk to me about how I broke the phone, or broke the glass. He would throw glasses of pop on me and tell me I couldn’t change until not one drop was on the floor or on the surroundings. 

He wasn’t always like that, in fact he even asked me to play the same game as him. Which at first was a good idea, I tried to relate to him the best I could. Lets face it, I sucked at the game. But I enjoyed the friends I made. It was like a breath of fresh air to talk to other people, and he acted nice to me in front of them.  Behind the computer screen, if I would “ mess up” he would scream at me, tell me how I sucked and I couldn’t even manage to play a game. That he should delete my characters and I was huge embarrassment to him, he no longer wanted me to talk to any of the people in the game because I embarrassed him. He would crack jokes about in the chats, and if I died or did something stupid, things got favorites phones, water colors, my art stuff..paints..if it was mine, and I liked it it was destroyed. I learned to just shut off and not like anything anymore. I no longer used my water colors I used ink pens to draw. And of course the game was no longer an enjoyment to me but the strange thing was, he still made me play.
He hated that I put on weight since being with him. Part depression, part I was getting older. I wasn’t 18 anymore, I was 24. His diet sucked, he never liked my cooking and we would eat out all the time. He wouldn’t take me to sit down dinners, but we would order out. No kidding I put on about 10 pounds. He would tell me how ugly I had gotten. Made me put on a skirt, poked my fat . pointed out every single inch of me that he didn’t like. Which was mostly everything. Made me wear this skirt  so he could tell me how fat and ugly I looked in it . Then he took me to get a cheeseburger. I said I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t hungry. He would tell me yea I was always hungry and to eat it so I can get more fat. He made me eat it . I remember chewing it through my tears and spitting it out while he wasn’t looking.  I never wanted to eat again. Food was a huge issue. At one point, i was sneaking food , hiding it so he didnt know I was eating. and it came to the point where he would go out to eat and i wasnt allowed to go, or he would go get him and his family food and not bring me any back and make sure I knew it was because i was fat and didnt deserve to eat that day.

could never make decisions, I couldnt buy curtains for the house or a new rug, or pick out furniture. If i did he hated it made me take it down and back to the store and he would have to pick it out. sounds so little, but in the grand scheme of things it was just one more thing that hurt my heart. Why wasnt what i picked out good enough? and when i was allowed to eat, I couldnt chose where to eat, because it was always wrong. Sometimes he would force me to chose only to tell me how awful my decision was when the food came and was terrible, i would always get in big trouble for that. He made it perfectly clear that my ideas sucked and we werent ever to do anything i wanted. I couldnt see movies i liked or wanted to see, couldnt go to a mall i wanted to go to, couldnt pick out vacations, or even meals for dinner any longer. why do i suck at making decisions in life...

he often told me to just go die. there is a bridge near the house and there have been countless times he has told me to die and ive walked there and stood watching the cars go by contemplating how if i died no one would care, i was worthless and they would probably even be happy.  how could i mess up so bad. how could i be such a poor decision maker, make someone lose and die in a game, make horrible dinners, make terrible choices for movies and where to shop. what is wrong with me?  I could never do it, i guess thats one more thing i failed at. always told me how my parents didnt like me, and remind me of how badly my dad treated me. on the rare occasion we would be out or do something it would end in a fight, and he would tell me just wait til we get home youre going to get it. and i would dread getting in the car with hima nd going home and getting it. whether it be violence or being punished with the silient treatment or yelled and screamed at for hours..i dreaded it.

The night he wanted to go out somewhere and I didn’t want to. He freaked out because I said I would rather stay home than travel far away. I wasn’t feeling well. Depression and anxiety were in full force. I could care less if I ever left the house again. I protested. I did not want to go out. I was on the steps, and he grabbed me and dragged me down them.  I knew I had messed up and just stood there. He punched his moms glass cabinet that she had had for years. The glass shattered. He threw dishes, broke them. He grabbed me again and ripped to pieces in a furious rage.  He pulled my hair so hard it was coming out of my head, it burned so bad. I blocked a lot out but I remember again, begging him to stop it. Then he told me to pull it together, I had to go to his mom and tell her I broke her cabinet. I made him mad, so it was my fault. I broke it. I remember thinking, my god I cant belive I broke his moms cabinet she loved! How was I ever going to face her with what I did. So I had to go to her and tell her I broke it.  I told her straight out I broke it but I promised to give her my next paycheck to replace the glass. Humiliating to say the least.
Oh, and when I learned I had to have my gallbladder out. I was a MESS. I was so afraid, we had just gotten back from the drs.  We walked into the house and I exclaimed to him how scared I was. I said I do not want to do this surgery, I am afraid. I was crying. He was across the room now, into the dining room, I was still at the front doorway and he took the car keys and threw them at me as hard as he could.  They hit my leg and I fell to the ground, I literally had the indentations on a set of car keys imprinted on my legs. The bruise was instant and horrible. It spread down most of my upper outter thigh. Why I asked? Why? Because you were crying like a freaking baby, get the fuck over it. Im sick of hearing you whine. But im afraid of having surgery and you do this to me?  Why cant you just be there for me. Why cant you hold me and tell me its going to be alright.

Instead, all I ever got was how much of a loser I am. How if I died it would be ok, life would be better. I can’t do anything right. If I made his fav dinner, it was the day he decided it was no longer his fav and should have made something else. It would be too done, not done enough. I stopped wanting to do anything. S topped drawing, stopped writing, stopped gaming, stopped talking on the phone, stoppped watching sports on the tv, stopped wanting to cook, stopped wanting to clean. I became a very sad broken soul.
I am not allowed to talk while driving, if I thought we were lost and tried to help he would pinch me till I almost bled, tell me to shut my stupid fucking mouth, and that he would throw me out of the car for another car to run me over if I opened my mouth again.
He would embarrass me in front of my family, and at one point tried to get me to stop talking to any of them. Saying they are crazy and that if I talked to them, that would be choosing them over him and he would kick me out. I distanced myself from my family.

He wuold take his head and bang it against mine until lumps appeared on my skull and temple. I would cry and beg for forgiveness.  I thought wow I am a terrible person and started to realize I deserved it all. I failed at life. Cried myself to sleep most nights.  this all happened about once a week..when it wasn’t happening it was like walking on eggshells.  The mental abuse was still there, the silient treatments. I would BEG literally cry and beg for him to talk to me.  He could ignore me for days. That hurt a lot too. Please talk to me, im sorry I would tell him. I would do anything to get him to talk to me again.  When he would start again, I would be so happy.

I remember way back in the beginging we went to Lake Erie with the fam. We went to breakfast and I thought was done. I took his bacon and ate it and I got into big trouble for that one. He told me how ignorant I was to eat soemone elses food, and to go find someplace that had bacon and get him more. It was past serving times, I had no car. I wasn’t allowed to have fun until I found him bacon. I shed a lot of tears that day.
Other days . if I looked at him wrong I would get pounced on, hold me down until I apologized. Of couse I said I was sorry quickly.  Not really knowing what I did wrong.  If he died in the game and I would tellhim please don’t break anything, that was his clue to come at me, even if I tried to tell him it would be ok…it was wrong. I would get in trouble.
Just things in general, if I made a painting and asked him how he liked it..he would shrug and point out all the wrong things. I got into photography and he never liked one photo I showed him. He would tell me how this was wrong, and I would say but do you like it at all? And he would say a little.  Why cant I do anything right?
We got pregnant and at first it was still the same. I was scared about being pregnant and he seemed happy.  Things were a little better during my pregnancy. There were a few instances where he would die in the game, a new game, and make me leave the room at 2 am..wake me up..and make me sleep on the steps outside the room.

later in my pregnancy we went to idlewild for his work picnic, my mom worked at the same place, so my whole family was there, i was 7 months pregnant and it was 107 degrees that day. He got mad at me because i was pregnant and couldnt ride the rides and was slow to keep up with him. my feet were swollen from being pregnant and the heat. the baby was also laying on my vena cava most of the pregnancy and i would get light headed easily. he was so angry, he yelled at me in front of everyone and then said i had better follow him. he made me walk the whole park over and over again him in front me walking so fast and i was trying so hard to keep up and walk as fast as i could in the heat. i was so afraid. we got in the car and he screamed and yelled at me. i wanted to go home. i begged to go home i thought thats what he was doing, i was seeing major spots and was very sick. he knew i wanted to go home so he made me get back out and follow him more through the park. i was so embarrassed. that day really sticks out to me.

my last month I thought everything was going to be different and better now. He was so nice to me. Don’t get me wrong, he had nice spurts with me before, in between the hellish times. But this was different. He told me he loved me, stopped gaming and we had a baby. Soon after is when things started going back to the ways they were, which was heart breaking. He would whack me while I had the baby, tell her to hit me too.  Throw her toys and break them in anger spurts, which would make her cry .  He broke countless of her toys for no reason other than dying in a game, tripping over the toy, the tv being too loud. He would lock certain channels so i didnt use them. He would log on the game consoles to see how long i played while at work and then yell becuase it was too long. i couldnt wait for him to leave for work or school. ava and i would dance around and sing and it was just awesome when we were alone. he never helped with her, never would change her diapers or feed her. she never slept and he would never get up with her. i would cry my eyes out after a year of no sleep and beg him to hold her for just an hour. while i rested. he would not. he would yell at me how i was a terrible mother, and it was my job to care for her, i would get in big trouble for waking him in the night if i did. 

two days after we got married was probably another one of the worst days ever. our wedding was emotionless, there was just nothing friend whispered in my ear ( who knew nothing about the violence ,i enver told anyone ) i will take you away if you want, you dont have to do this...i guess she could sense it. sense the fear in me, the control, the sadness. at the reception i sat in the bathroom and cried before it all started...i wasnt thinking anything, just an immense sadness came over me. i wanted to be loved, i wanted to be make this man happy, but i had failed. he hated me, and i was remembering the weeks before how there was a picture of me in my wedding dress, wheni picked it up after final alterations, and he had told me how ugly i was probably going to be in that dress and if it looked nice on me when it came off how i would be the ugly girl once again. i took that picture and wrote all over it bad stuff about me. allt he things he called me, ugly, fat, loser, dumb...he often told me i was just air, i didnt offer anything to anyone, and that he had never met anyone that basically just a waste of air and that i did no good to society. So i sat in the bathroom remembering all this, and sick at how i knew i was the ugliest bride ever , dreading going home after the wedding, wanting to be a child again, hiding at home in my room from my dad watching penguin game reruns instead of living a nightmare as an adult with nowhere to escape and a baby to take care. the tears fell to the ground in huge mounds thining of the vows we just took, and how i placed the ring on his WRONG finger and how everyone laughed and maybe that was my sign from god that i should have ran out of there and never looked back. Or it was just another screw up from me. I took a look in the mirror, and flashbacks and memories flooded in front of me, i seen a sad girl dressed all in white, red souless eyes and soon i could hear my bridemaids looking for me...i wiped the tears away, put on my smile, like i had done for all the years past and braved everyone out there. After the wedding the house was kinda cluttered, boxes of stuff from the reception, gifts, cards..ect. It was day two of marriage, we didnt plan a honeymoon or anything like that..and we were just hanging around the house..he had been really nice to me, i thought maybe married life would be different, maybe just maybe a tide had turned. we were smiling, laughing, joking the whole day after . He is really good at that, make you think you are wonderful, fool you...make you think things are going to be just fine, apologize..make you comfortable...then bam. He notices the boxes, the cluttered living room, trips on something...and it all comes crumbling down. I had ava in my arms and he slapped me across my face, started yelling and screaming, holding me down ..telling how i am supposed to be a "wife" now, wives, dont let clutter build up, or kids toys be on the floor ...but i said, its only been two days, we didnt even get a honeymoon, we havent even been home much..its the gifts people got us....on and on and i went to try to justify why things were out of place..and we just got married...this is our honeymoon time...i said i was sorry, he made me get on my hands and knees and start scrubbing the floor, all while calling me fat and a terrible fat wife. he made me leave and walk the block, threw his ring and printed out annulment papers and gave them to me saying how i was the worst wife in the world, no man would ever want me. Wow did that hurt. why does it still hurt i wondered. i should be used to this. oh but its different. first i was just the worst gf and fiance, worst mother to his child, worst friend, now im the worst wife, a sucky wife. i have failed now at all things in life. this went on for hours while he ordered me around the house watching me clean, making me go walk, watching me clean ..clean things that didnt even need cleaned.  all the while i hear my baby crying so confused. now how can i do this to her. he was telling her how bad of a mom i was and how bad i was for him, he showed her how to hit me. and would make her do it too. where oh where is my thing called self esteem, self worth..oh yea that right, i lost that a long time ago. brainwashed to think i am the suckiest person on earth who fails at every title a woman can earn. That night while i sat on the hard floor in the kitchen, after hours and hours of this he punched me so hard in my head that i blacked out. he dragged me upstairs and put me in bed. i just remember waking up to him shaking me and more yelling. from then on i dont really remember much more of that night and i dont really care to.  Thats just when i knew that being married was maybe worse . he always thru his rings, thru it out the window once because i couldnt find avas shoes and then at that exact moment the guy int eh slow plow made me realize sometihng as he came and plowed the ring away, not even knowing what he was doing he made me realize that it was over. that this was no way to live and even if i was that sucky horrible failure of a person i didnt want to be told it every day or hit every day, i would go live and be sucky alone with my baby somewhere else. i took my rings off and never put them back on. i wanted to rescue ava from all this, even if that voice in my head kept telling me, well ava deserves to know you are a failure too, what she didnt deserve was her toys smashed, crying and screaming when he was on a yelling and screaming ramage, being scared of him, not wanting to go near him, hanging on to me all night long and never sleeping. that day i made my decision that i would save HER. thank you snowplow man. one day i will get out.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


Oh how I hate my anxiety. It started when I was about 14 after a little incident in my life that I would rather not discuss on my blog, but yes..I was just about that age when certain things set me off...I was always afraid of thunderstorms..not just your average run of the mill afraid of storms...but full blown shake, cry and hide from them. I would never stay alone if the weather called for a chance of storms, i would make sure I had somewhere to go..whether it be my sisters, grandma...just wherever. I did not want to be alone during storms. Then it progressed to worrying about my parents. If my mom left and the sirens blew, I would think she was in the car accident..I would cry, throw up..pace..until she got home ( no cell phones then! ) I would even start walking, just to get away, to leave, to try and find the accident, just whatever, I had to do something with myself. I seemingly grew out of it as a I got a bit older.

Again it made its return in my early 20s. I was in a pretty bad, abusive situation, and my anxiety was really bad. I went to the drs and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder..and was prescribed Zoloft. I was too afraid to take it for the longest time. I remember I had a sleepover with my mom and sister and they helped me to take it. I would only take half the dose, but soon I was feeling a bit better. I was taking such a small dose, I dont know if it was helping or not. I got pregnant and thats when all of it went away, It literally disappeared during my whole pregnancy. I had also stopped the Zoloft before I got pregnant because I had lost my insurance. Then after I had Aves, it heart, dizzy, many trips to the ER..nothing to ever be found wrong. Go me! How embarrassing.

Then I got out of my abusive relationship and was feeling really great, once again it just all disappeared and life without anxiety was awesome.I met Zach, fell head over heals in love...drove places I would never think of driving before, for almost two years I havent thought about or had any type of anxiety...maybe the here and there oh my goodness, do my kids have that ? then it would pass..nothing obsessive..nothing that made me shake in my skin, nothing that made me feel like I had in the past..until now...

Amazingly, I made it through most of this deployment anxiety free...I think it may have been a mental block, I kept pushing and going, and praying and hoping for Zachs safety. I had to be strong for my kids, I was living alone, I had to take care of things..I had to be strong for Zach, I had to keep pushing and going and those awful thoughts I would have, that kept me awake at night, I would swallow them up and keep going. Now the deployment is coming to an end..and I am a basket case. Back to square one, back to countless hours of googling before bedtime...diagnosing my kids with this and that, trips to the ER because I had an ulcer on my throat..guess what, from stress. Maybe my body is giving in to the constant worry I held in for a year. Maybe im just giving in to myself. I am back to the moments of shaking and being curled up into a ball, being afraid to be one really understands, unless you have been there. Unless you know the gut wrenching feeling of impending doom, unless you know what its like to not be able to go anywhere because you are so afraid of what might happen, the dizzy spells, the nausea..feeling like you are all alone. People get frustrated with you, they dont get it. They think you are over reacting, and should just get over it. Oh how I wish I could just get over it. If it were that easy, dont you think we would just get over it? Stop the googling, it becomes obsessive. Stop the worrying, you just can't. Just be normal! I long to live a normal life with no worry.

I am hoping this passes quickly for me, as it has been a long week. Just a bump in the road, and I can be on my way back to the anxiety free life I was living. I do have a lot going on. My husband deployed, I moved, family drama, Avas autism, a new town, got Zach is coming home, and I have so much to look forward to. I dont want to feel like this, I want to the best I can be for my family.

Friday, January 21, 2011


Most of you that know me know that I am pretty much anti-vaccine in infants, and totally stopped vaccinating Aves at 12-14 months.

Well, my recent trip to Alis four month well check was a total disaster. Her first two visits went well, I specifically told them that I did not want to vax Alianna until she at least hit the 6 month mark, but more so until she turned one year of age. The first two doctors had no problem with this and I just signed off on them. I was really happy with her 2 month well check, as the doctor I seen was very much willing to work with me and understood.

Not so much this time. I was already stressed from having a rough morning alone with the kids, and suffering from PPD ..which I haven't talked much about...I was a crying ball of mess by the time I arrived at the doctors office. We get there and get into our room, and Aves decides she was going to howl and whine non stop. Nothing like your  5 1/2 year old shutting out the world by howling and whining and nothing I could do or say would stop. I mind you, this went on the whole hour and half we were there. So the doctor comes in does her thing then asks me about with Aves howling I explain to her my concerns and of course i get the whole speech, the same one I have gotten since i stopped vaxing Ava..."there is no Autism/Vaccination link, there have been no studies done to confirm a link, getting vaccinated outweighs the benefits...ect...."  So I still say , sorry..I explained at her last well check that I was at the very least waiting until she was six months old, and in the mean time apologizing for my howling child that is cowering in the corner of the room...she starts insisting I get the shot, I break down in tears...and she this baby needs her shots and you as a mother need to give them her. I start questioning my parenting, as with PPD...those of you that have had, it know what im talking about. I have always been confident in my decision to selectively/delay vaccinations..and now I was questioning it. She told me how kids die of  whooping cough, pretty much scared me..she kept leaving the room and coming back saying she was giving me 5 mins to think about it.

So I say ok...I honestly REGRET this with every ounce of my being. They bring the shot in and then inform, just as they were about to poke her that it was a combo of SIX shots. WHAT? I pick up Alianna and tell them NO. I was NOT doing that. A combo if three is bad enough, there was no way I was letting them inject her with 6 shots, my 12 pound, 10th percentile , teeny little 4 month old with 6 shots at once. Plus they wanted to do the flu shot, this would have been 7 in one visit. Can you imagine that???? Anyways, I said I was willing to do the DTaP..mainly for whooping cough concerns..but there was no way I was doing 6. She said well sorry this is how we have to do it. I asked if they had just the DTaP...she said no, and asked me to lay her back down to complete the shot. I said No. sorry, i will not inject her with 6 vaccines. She then said ok, i will go check and see if we have any left over DTaP vaccinations. So suddenly they have one...and the rest is history. She got the shot, and I regret it every day. She cried so hard, and her little leg was bleeding from the shot pretty badly. Which I never even seen happen before.

It is known that vaccinations can indeed cause brain damage. Thats why you sign a consent form. There have been numerous cases of people suing due to vaccination related brain damage. It happens. So if vaccinations can cause brain damage, seizures ect...why cant a vaccination go to a persons brain and in turn cause Autism? When people sue for brain damage they usually settle...when they sue for it causing Autism, they usually lose the case....Autism is certainly a damage to the brain. If a vaccine can come with many warnings and it is and HAS BEEN KNOWN that they DO and HAVE caused brain damage, why can't they cause Autism. Now, I do not believe ONLY vaccines cause Autism..I believe it is a trigger of such, I believe they can go to the brain and cause damage thus leading to Autism. I believe some children do not have the ability to excrete the toxins found in the vaccinations.  Not all children, but for some. I do believe the vaccine schedule is safe, it may be for some children, but not for all ( i will say that often! ) Just like the case for everything, what is good and healthy for your child...may not be for mine.

I also believe there is a DTaP/SIDs connection. No one knows what causes SIDs, but in many SIDs cases, which peak around 2-4 months, is following the DTaP once again, if a shot...CAN cause brain damage, why can't it do something to a babies brain that makes it forget to breath while sleeping? Some small area of the brain becomes impaired due to toxins in a vaccine?

Even more we all know what that is? You know stepping on a rusty nail and getting tetanus? right now , i dont think my baby girl is going to be stepping on any rusty nails any time is a statistic...

"Does it sound like I’m playing with fire?  How about this.  From 1980 until today the average number of tetanus cases in the US per year was 40.  Yeah, just 40 – I’m not missing any zeros there.  And most of those were in persons over 40 (and frequently over 60 since nursing homes are a major hotbed for tetanus due to dirty conditions and bedsores) and IV drug users.  Also, cases of tetanus in children under 5 years of age totaled 2 since 1989.  Yeah, 2 in almost 20 years.  All of this information is directly from the horses (CDC’s) mouth."

So no, i dont really think my UNDER 2 year old needs to be vaccinated for Tetanus...

Now pertussis..this has scared me the MOST, I have heard of outbreaks in California and such, but nothing here. Also again...


"As mentioned, this is a normal childhood disease so I’m not going to spend much time on it except to say two things:  (1) the chance of death from whooping cough with medical treatment is .2%, and (2) vaccination is shown to increase, by more than double, the rate of childhood asthma."

While it is very scary, and if you are in a place where there is an outbreak, I would see why some receive it, but it is still very very rare..and it is treatable. Some children do pass away from it, just like some pass from the flu...ect...


Diptheria is also a toxin producing bacterium.  This is all numbers:  In the 1920s 100 people per 100,000 got diptheria in the US, of these 5-10% were fatal cases.  Since 1980 there are .001 cases per 100,000 and no reported deaths.  It is endemic in developing countries (hygiene, clean water, etc. could this be why?) despite vaccination efforts.  A diptheria anti-toxin is available from the CDC.

Enough said, I think?

And then...

“more than two-thirds [of studied SIDS deaths] had been vaccinated with DPT prior to death. Of these, 6.5 percent died within 12 hours of vaccination; 13 percent within 24 hours; 26 percent within three days; and 37, 61, and 70 percent within one, two, and three weeks, respectively.”

I am most def not trying to scare anyone out there, as I have said MANY MANY times on this very blog throughout my trials of vaccinating my oldest, to each their own...but I think its also ok for me to be passionate in my beliefs, and tell how I feel. I am not in any way saying anyone should stop vaccinating their children, I do believe some are needed, and I believe you do whats best for your family, while I will do whats best for mine.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


Its so hard to sleep, I have developed some pretty severe insomnia, which has lead to extreme exhaustion during the would think that would mean I would be able to sleep during the night, but no..the cycle carries on. So I fall asleep last night sometime, and I start dreaming crazy stuff. This is usually what happens. I manage to sleep then comes the crazy ass dreams that make me jump outta bed...rinse and repeat.

Last night I had two bad dreams that I remember. The first was just ridiculous. I went to the airport to pick up Zach, and all seemed normal. Until this crazy lady came out of nowhere with a drill....yes a HUGE ass drill...and started drilling people. REALLY Missy? Blood was gushing everywhere as she caught person after person and just drilled holes all through them. I ran away and found Zachs gate , and everyone got off the plane ..but no Zach. I started crying  ( why wasnt i crying before seeing drill lady drilling everyone??) and out of nowhere everyone is running and screaming and drill lady is back and drilled some poor man right in front of me and was coming for me, her face all covered in blood and i was frozen screaming just inches from getting holes drilled all through my body.....and I woke up. Thank goodness, right? I was sweating when I woke up, my heart beating..i was shaking..and i cuddled my babies next to me.

Second dream, not as gross..I was with Zach and we were at my was time for bed and we got in bed ( yeah yeah...) then he both just slept on our own sides of the bed. I usually sleep with my head on his chest, probably annoys the hell out of him, but we never sleep on opposite sides. In my dream I felt empty, like I didnt know him. And we never spoke...we wake up and my family is cooking this strange dinner. Everyone is at my house, and its all this food potatoes cubed and what what looked like glued together, hunks of bread all matted was SO weird!! Again, Zach and I never spoke, he sat on the opposite side of the table...the funny part was, Alis highchair was there, int he box..we were all worried about not having enough seats, my mom said its fine I have this highchair..suddenly it was built and mom was sitting in it. What the hell. No one even questioned it.

Just wondering if these dreams have anything to do with worries in the back of my mind? Of course within reason ;)

I'd almost rather NOT sleep at all, then to have these crazy ass dreams.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


I dont really have too much to blog about. I think we all get that I hate this deployment and im pretty damn miserable over it.

I am tired. But I can't sleep. How does that even make sense? Yesterday was terribly bad, Ava had been sick with the flu and Ali just wouldnt stop crying..for a few days. She is such a needy baby anyways, and I usually have to carry her around constantly, but now she was screaming...I am sure she is teething, and we are in teething hell. Teething. Already. She is getting so big, so fast. Anyways, yup..I broke down, sat there rocking a screaming Ali, bawling my eyes out begging her to just stop. I was frustrated, angry, sad....I do not like doing this alone. `I know its for the greater good of mankind, but this doing it all alone shit is exhausting and hard. I should have been used to it since I practically raised aves alone. I remember those nights with her, rocking her, crying...physically and mentally anger and frustration dont last very long, I think all of us that do it alone with kids..feel this way at some point. I've "read that its normal".......hah me normal? pfft.

We are in bed now, the girls take up most of the bed. Neither are asleep yet but hopefully getting there, Ali is busy kicking me in the side over and over and munching her hands..I know Ill have to do some back scratching and rocking before either of them fall asleep.

Speaking of sleep...I can't do it. I just can't. I am not even sure why. I am exhausted, I am so tired, but I can't sleep. Weird, I know. If I do fall asleep I wake up every 20 mins. No joke. I toss and turn, I lay there, I think about Zach, wonder if he is Ok...think about how its going to be when he comes home, pray time goes by faster than it is, I think about my kids, I watch them sleep, I check them both multiple times to make sure they are both ok...right next to me, do the finger under the nose deal.....I hold my eyes shut tight, and nothng happens...then the sun comes up and we do it all over again.

I also have some people that just walk in my house and give me a heart attack..especially after 8 or 9, its just not a good idea. It scares me to death, I already sit and listen for sounds and worry about someone breaking in, and then if you just walk in and im in bed with the kids, it scares me..badly...before that time, i guess its ok. But probably better to knock...sometimes Im not up for company anyways, or hell maybe I like to exercise naked :) and someone walking in on THAT would not be a good thing ...not even trying to be rude about it, I just prefer if we could spread that around.

Well time to rock the baby.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

If this deployment makes me fat...

That will be the end of the rope! No joke. My eating habits are terrible since Zach has been away. First...I could not eat, at all. I ate good when I was visiting him Seattle, then after that..back to no eating. Then late November I started to get hungry I stocked up on Lean 5 year old does not eat anything but chicken fingers, cheese sandwiches and soup..thank you Autism Spectrum disorder..anyways, back to Lean Cuisines... I only like two flavors...Mac N Cheese and Chicken Fettuccine.....I bought about 10 each and was eating them daily. Then I got sick of them, and moved on to cream of potato soup..every day for about a week. Then one night I caved and cooked tacos for the first time in 90 days and devoured about 5 of felt like I hadn't ate REAL food in ages! And it was just meat tacos. I just see no point in cooking for just me...the rest was thrown in the garbage...

Now i'm sick of canned food and lean cuisines, ive just been eating junk and drinking pop. I never used to drink pop. ever. I hated pop. Now I drink and drink it. For dinner I just had two fudge rounds...fudge rounds that were meant for Zachs care package, but they have so many snacks, i figured what the hell. So I ate some fudge rounds and drank a pop. I feel myself growing bigger by the minute!!

Ugh, just another reason to hate this deployment.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


I have these days, where I am just numb to everything. I feel no emotion. I dont feel ANYTHING. I dont know if this part of this whole deployment deal, I am wondering if soon...the days of feeling depressed and sad will just all turn into "numb" days...after being numb for so long, do you ever regain your ability to feel back?

Hmm. I get it, I know I'm depressed...I know that the news of this deployment at 20 weeks pregnant sent me into a downward spiral into no mans land. I get it. Boy do I ever get it...I also get the * go see a dr * * you need meds*  ..ect...I get that, I get all of it. I don't want on meds and I dont want to talk to a dr. Hell, i don't want to leave my house to grab the mail let alone venture out to a doctors office. I don't exactly know my point in all of this, other than..yeah, i get it. I'm dealing with depression.

I ventured down to my hometown today, Aves had been with her grandmother for a week, and I decided to come down and pick her up myself..and see my mom, dad...and whomever else wants to see me. I also have a crap load of laundry to do..our dryer broke at home, so its hard to do clothes there, so I just brought them all here. I can't say I didn't feel excited when I started to see the mountains and got closer to Uniontown.  I dont know why. Just feels so familiar. I get that, maybe I should move home for awhile idea...i just push it back into my mind, because I know, being in OUR home makes me feel closer to Zach..somehow. I am confused though. I just dont know. I really dont know much of anything.

I tried to sleep through the New Year...failed, was woke up at 1152 but loud banging and partying outside..i was so mad. So I opened up a photo of Zach and Aves, held ali in my lap and rang in the new year touching my computer screen and tears flowing. I was back asleep by 1230 thankfully.

Uniontown has apparently been overrun by stink gross. We have some at home in pittsburgh..but NOT like here, so far ive had one in my hair and while laying in bed, i felt a creepy crawly up my armpit..are you kidding me?? yes.. a stink bug up my arm pit...i hate bugs. I almost had a heart attack. I doubt I will be able to sleep now.

The girls got so many presents from my family. Have no clue how im going to lug this stuff home. At all. Much less where am I going to put it?? We need a bigger apartment, just for the girls toys. I need to purge. Throw stuff away. Maybe I will do that soon.

I guess I'll end on that note.