Anxiety

Oh how I hate my anxiety. It started when I was about 14 after a little incident in my life that I would rather not discuss on my blog, but yes..I was just about that age when certain things set me off...I was always afraid of thunderstorms..not just your average run of the mill afraid of storms...but full blown shake, cry and hide from them. I would never stay alone if the weather called for a chance of storms, i would make sure I had somewhere to go..whether it be my sisters, grandma...just wherever. I did not want to be alone during storms. Then it progressed to worrying about my parents. If my mom left and the sirens blew, I would think she was in the car accident..I would cry, throw up..pace..until she got home ( no cell phones then! ) I would even start walking, just to get away, to leave, to try and find the accident, just whatever, I had to do something with myself. I seemingly grew out of it as a I got a bit older.

Again it made its return in my early 20s. I was in a pretty bad, abusive situation, and my anxiety was really bad. I went to the drs and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder..and was prescribed Zoloft. I was too afraid to take it for the longest time. I remember I had a sleepover with my mom and sister and they helped me to take it. I would only take half the dose, but soon I was feeling a bit better. I was taking such a small dose, I dont know if it was helping or not. I got pregnant and thats when all of it went away, It literally disappeared during my whole pregnancy. I had also stopped the Zoloft before I got pregnant because I had lost my insurance. Then after I had Aves, it returned..fast heart, dizzy, many trips to the ER..nothing to ever be found wrong. Go me! How embarrassing.

Then I got out of my abusive relationship and was feeling really great, once again it just all disappeared and life without anxiety was awesome.I met Zach, fell head over heals in love...drove places I would never think of driving before, for almost two years I havent thought about or had any type of anxiety...maybe the here and there oh my goodness, do my kids have that ? then it would pass..nothing obsessive..nothing that made me shake in my skin, nothing that made me feel like I had in the past..until now...

Amazingly, I made it through most of this deployment anxiety free...I think it may have been a mental block, I kept pushing and going, and praying and hoping for Zachs safety. I had to be strong for my kids, I was living alone, I had to take care of things..I had to be strong for Zach, I had to keep pushing and going and those awful thoughts I would have, that kept me awake at night, I would swallow them up and keep going. Now the deployment is coming to an end..and I am a basket case. Back to square one, back to countless hours of googling before bedtime...diagnosing my kids with this and that, trips to the ER because I had an ulcer on my throat..guess what, from stress. Maybe my body is giving in to the constant worry I held in for a year. Maybe im just giving in to myself. I am back to the moments of shaking and being curled up into a ball, being afraid to be alone...no one really understands, unless you have been there. Unless you know the gut wrenching feeling of impending doom, unless you know what its like to not be able to go anywhere because you are so afraid of what might happen, the dizzy spells, the nausea..feeling like you are all alone. People get frustrated with you, they dont get it. They think you are over reacting, and should just get over it. Oh how I wish I could just get over it. If it were that easy, dont you think we would just get over it? Stop the googling, it becomes obsessive. Stop the worrying, you just can't. Just be normal! I long to live a normal life with no worry.

I am hoping this passes quickly for me, as it has been a long week. Just a bump in the road, and I can be on my way back to the anxiety free life I was living. I do have a lot going on. My husband deployed, I moved, family drama, Avas autism, a new baby...new town, got married..now Zach is coming home, and I have so much to look forward to. I dont want to feel like this, I want to the best I can be for my family.

Vaccines

Most of you that know me know that I am pretty much anti-vaccine in infants, and totally stopped vaccinating Aves at 12-14 months.

Well, my recent trip to Alis four month well check was a total disaster. Her first two visits went well, I specifically told them that I did not want to vax Alianna until she at least hit the 6 month mark, but more so until she turned one year of age. The first two doctors had no problem with this and I just signed off on them. I was really happy with her 2 month well check, as the doctor I seen was very much willing to work with me and understood.

Not so much this time. I was already stressed from having a rough morning alone with the kids, and suffering from PPD ..which I haven't talked much about...I was a crying ball of mess by the time I arrived at the doctors office. We get there and get into our room, and Aves decides she was going to howl and whine non stop. Nothing like your  5 1/2 year old shutting out the world by howling and whining and nothing I could do or say would stop. I mind you, this went on the whole hour and half we were there. So the doctor comes in does her thing then asks me about shots...so with Aves howling I explain to her my concerns and of course i get the whole speech, the same one I have gotten since i stopped vaxing Ava..."there is no Autism/Vaccination link, there have been no studies done to confirm a link, getting vaccinated outweighs the benefits...ect...."  So I still say , sorry..I explained at her last well check that I was at the very least waiting until she was six months old, and in the mean time apologizing for my howling child that is cowering in the corner of the room...she starts insisting I get the shot, I break down in tears...and she this baby needs her shots and you as a mother need to give them her. I start questioning my parenting, as with PPD...those of you that have had, it know what im talking about. I have always been confident in my decision to selectively/delay vaccinations..and now I was questioning it. She told me how kids die of  whooping cough, pretty much scared me..she kept leaving the room and coming back saying she was giving me 5 mins to think about it.

So I say ok...I honestly REGRET this with every ounce of my being. They bring the shot in and then inform, just as they were about to poke her that it was a combo of SIX shots. WHAT? I pick up Alianna and tell them NO. I was NOT doing that. A combo if three is bad enough, there was no way I was letting them inject her with 6 shots, my 12 pound, 10th percentile , teeny little 4 month old with 6 shots at once. Plus they wanted to do the flu shot, this would have been 7 in one visit. Can you imagine that???? Anyways, I said I was willing to do the DTaP..mainly for whooping cough concerns..but there was no way I was doing 6. She said well sorry this is how we have to do it. I asked if they had just the DTaP...she said no, and asked me to lay her back down to complete the shot. I said No. sorry, i will not inject her with 6 vaccines. She then said ok, i will go check and see if we have any left over DTaP vaccinations. So suddenly they have one...and the rest is history. She got the shot, and I regret it every day. She cried so hard, and her little leg was bleeding from the shot pretty badly. Which I never even seen happen before.

It is known that vaccinations can indeed cause brain damage. Thats why you sign a consent form. There have been numerous cases of people suing due to vaccination related brain damage. It happens. So if vaccinations can cause brain damage, seizures ect...why cant a vaccination go to a persons brain and in turn cause Autism? When people sue for brain damage they usually settle...when they sue for it causing Autism, they usually lose the case....Autism is certainly a damage to the brain. If a vaccine can come with many warnings and it is and HAS BEEN KNOWN that they DO and HAVE caused brain damage, why can't they cause Autism. Now, I do not believe ONLY vaccines cause Autism..I believe it is a trigger of such, I believe they can go to the brain and cause damage thus leading to Autism. I believe some children do not have the ability to excrete the toxins found in the vaccinations.  Not all children, but for some. I do believe the vaccine schedule is safe, it may be for some children, but not for all ( i will say that often! ) Just like the case for everything, what is good and healthy for your child...may not be for mine.

I also believe there is a DTaP/SIDs connection. No one knows what causes SIDs, but in many SIDs cases, which peak around 2-4 months, is following the DTaP shot....so once again, if a shot...CAN cause brain damage, why can't it do something to a babies brain that makes it forget to breath while sleeping? Some small area of the brain becomes impaired due to toxins in a vaccine?

Even more so...Tetanus...do we all know what that is? You know stepping on a rusty nail and getting tetanus? right now , i dont think my baby girl is going to be stepping on any rusty nails any time soon...here is a statistic...

"Does it sound like I’m playing with fire?  How about this.  From 1980 until today the average number of tetanus cases in the US per year was 40.  Yeah, just 40 – I’m not missing any zeros there.  And most of those were in persons over 40 (and frequently over 60 since nursing homes are a major hotbed for tetanus due to dirty conditions and bedsores) and IV drug users.  Also, cases of tetanus in children under 5 years of age totaled 2 since 1989.  Yeah, 2 in almost 20 years.  All of this information is directly from the horses (CDC’s) mouth."

So no, i dont really think my UNDER 2 year old needs to be vaccinated for Tetanus...


Now pertussis..this has scared me the MOST, I have heard of outbreaks in California and such, but nothing here. Also again...

Pertussis

"As mentioned, this is a normal childhood disease so I’m not going to spend much time on it except to say two things:  (1) the chance of death from whooping cough with medical treatment is .2%, and (2) vaccination is shown to increase, by more than double, the rate of childhood asthma."

While it is very scary, and if you are in a place where there is an outbreak, I would see why some receive it, but it is still very very rare..and it is treatable. Some children do pass away from it, just like some pass from the flu...ect...

Diptheria

Diptheria is also a toxin producing bacterium.  This is all numbers:  In the 1920s 100 people per 100,000 got diptheria in the US, of these 5-10% were fatal cases.  Since 1980 there are .001 cases per 100,000 and no reported deaths.  It is endemic in developing countries (hygiene, clean water, etc. could this be why?) despite vaccination efforts.  A diptheria anti-toxin is available from the CDC.

Enough said, I think?

And then...

“more than two-thirds [of studied SIDS deaths] had been vaccinated with DPT prior to death. Of these, 6.5 percent died within 12 hours of vaccination; 13 percent within 24 hours; 26 percent within three days; and 37, 61, and 70 percent within one, two, and three weeks, respectively.”

I am most def not trying to scare anyone out there, as I have said MANY MANY times on this very blog throughout my trials of vaccinating my oldest, to each their own...but I think its also ok for me to be passionate in my beliefs, and tell how I feel. I am not in any way saying anyone should stop vaccinating their children, I do believe some are needed, and I believe you do whats best for your family, while I will do whats best for mine.

Dreams

Its so hard to sleep, I have developed some pretty severe insomnia, which has lead to extreme exhaustion during the day..you would think that would mean I would be able to sleep during the night, but no..the cycle carries on. So I fall asleep last night sometime, and I start dreaming crazy stuff. This is usually what happens. I manage to sleep then comes the crazy ass dreams that make me jump outta bed...rinse and repeat.

Last night I had two bad dreams that I remember. The first was just ridiculous. I went to the airport to pick up Zach, and all seemed normal. Until this crazy lady came out of nowhere with a drill....yes a HUGE ass drill...and started drilling people. REALLY Missy? Blood was gushing everywhere as she caught person after person and just drilled holes all through them. I ran away and found Zachs gate , and everyone got off the plane ..but no Zach. I started crying  ( why wasnt i crying before seeing drill lady drilling everyone??) and out of nowhere everyone is running and screaming and drill lady is back and drilled some poor man right in front of me and was coming for me, her face all covered in blood and i was frozen screaming just inches from getting holes drilled all through my body.....and I woke up. Thank goodness, right? I was sweating when I woke up, my heart beating..i was shaking..and i cuddled my babies next to me.

Second dream, not as gross..I was with Zach and we were at my parents...it was time for bed and we got in bed ( yeah yeah...) then he both just slept on our own sides of the bed. I usually sleep with my head on his chest, probably annoys the hell out of him, but we never sleep on opposite sides. In my dream I felt empty, like I didnt know him. And we never spoke...we wake up and my family is cooking this strange dinner. Everyone is at my house, and its all this food ...like potatoes cubed and what what looked like glued together, hunks of bread all matted together..it was SO weird!! Again, Zach and I never spoke, he sat on the opposite side of the table...the funny part was, Alis highchair was there, int he box..we were all worried about not having enough seats, my mom said its fine I have this highchair..suddenly it was built and ...my mom was sitting in it. What the hell. No one even questioned it.

Just wondering if these dreams have anything to do with worries in the back of my mind? Of course within reason ;)

I'd almost rather NOT sleep at all, then to have these crazy ass dreams.

Thoughts

I dont really have too much to blog about. I think we all get that I hate this deployment and im pretty damn miserable over it.

I am tired. But I can't sleep. How does that even make sense? Yesterday was terribly bad, Ava had been sick with the flu and Ali just wouldnt stop crying..for a few days. She is such a needy baby anyways, and I usually have to carry her around constantly, but now she was screaming...I am sure she is teething, and we are in teething hell. Teething. Already. She is getting so big, so fast. Anyways, yup..I broke down, sat there rocking a screaming Ali, bawling my eyes out begging her to just stop. I was frustrated, angry, sad....I do not like doing this alone. `I know its for the greater good of mankind, but this doing it all alone shit is exhausting and hard. I should have been used to it since I practically raised aves alone. I remember those nights with her, rocking her, crying...physically and mentally exhausted..my anger and frustration dont last very long, I think all of us that do it alone with kids..feel this way at some point. I've "read that its normal".......hah me normal? pfft.

We are in bed now, the girls take up most of the bed. Neither are asleep yet but hopefully getting there, Ali is busy kicking me in the side over and over and munching her hands..I know Ill have to do some back scratching and rocking before either of them fall asleep.

Speaking of sleep...I can't do it. I just can't. I am not even sure why. I am exhausted, I am so tired, but I can't sleep. Weird, I know. If I do fall asleep I wake up every 20 mins. No joke. I toss and turn, I lay there, I think about Zach, wonder if he is Ok...think about how its going to be when he comes home, pray time goes by faster than it is, I think about my kids, I watch them sleep, I check them both multiple times to make sure they are both ok...right next to me, do the finger under the nose deal.....I hold my eyes shut tight, and nothng happens...then the sun comes up and we do it all over again.

I also have some people that just walk in my house and give me a heart attack..especially after 8 or 9, its just not a good idea. It scares me to death, I already sit and listen for sounds and worry about someone breaking in, and then if you just walk in and im in bed with the kids, it scares me..badly...before that time, i guess its ok. But probably better to knock...sometimes Im not up for company anyways, or hell maybe I like to exercise naked :) and someone walking in on THAT would not be a good thing ...not even trying to be rude about it, I just prefer knocks..so if we could spread that around.

Well time to rock the baby.

If this deployment makes me fat...

That will be the end of the rope! No joke. My eating habits are terrible since Zach has been away. First...I could not eat, at all. I ate good when I was visiting him Seattle, then after that..back to no eating. Then late November I started to get hungry ...lol..... I stocked up on Lean Cuisines...my 5 year old does not eat anything but chicken fingers, cheese sandwiches and soup..thank you Autism Spectrum disorder..anyways, back to Lean Cuisines... I only like two flavors...Mac N Cheese and Chicken Fettuccine.....I bought about 10 each and was eating them daily. Then I got sick of them, and moved on to cream of potato soup..every day for about a week. Then one night I caved and cooked tacos for the first time in 90 days and devoured about 5 of them...it felt like I hadn't ate REAL food in ages! And it was just meat tacos. I just see no point in cooking for just me...the rest was thrown in the garbage...

Now i'm sick of canned food and lean cuisines, ive just been eating junk and drinking pop. I never used to drink pop. ever. I hated pop. Now I drink and drink it. For dinner I just had two fudge rounds...fudge rounds that were meant for Zachs care package, but they have so many snacks, i figured what the hell. So I ate some fudge rounds and drank a pop. I feel myself growing bigger by the minute!!

Ugh, just another reason to hate this deployment.

Numb

I have these days, where I am just numb to everything. I feel no emotion. I dont feel ANYTHING. I dont know if this part of this whole deployment deal, I am wondering if soon...the days of feeling depressed and sad will just all turn into "numb" days...after being numb for so long, do you ever regain your ability to feel back?

Hmm. I get it, I know I'm depressed...I know that the news of this deployment at 20 weeks pregnant sent me into a downward spiral into no mans land. I get it. Boy do I ever get it...I also get the * go see a dr * * you need meds*  ..ect...I get that, I get all of it. I don't want on meds and I dont want to talk to a dr. Hell, i don't want to leave my house to grab the mail let alone venture out to a doctors office. I don't exactly know my point in all of this, other than..yeah, i get it. I'm dealing with depression.

I ventured down to my hometown today, Aves had been with her grandmother for a week, and I decided to come down and pick her up myself..and see my mom, dad...and whomever else wants to see me. I also have a crap load of laundry to do..our dryer broke at home, so its hard to do clothes there, so I just brought them all here. I can't say I didn't feel excited when I started to see the mountains and got closer to Uniontown.  I dont know why. Just feels so familiar. I get that, maybe I should move home for awhile idea...i just push it back into my mind, because I know, being in OUR home makes me feel closer to Zach..somehow. I am confused though. I just dont know. I really dont know much of anything.

I tried to sleep through the New Year...failed, was woke up at 1152 but loud banging and partying outside..i was so mad. So I opened up a photo of Zach and Aves, held ali in my lap and rang in the new year touching my computer screen and tears flowing. I was back asleep by 1230 thankfully.

Uniontown has apparently been overrun by stink bugs..so gross. We have some at home in pittsburgh..but NOT like here, so far ive had one in my hair and while laying in bed, i felt a creepy crawly up my armpit..are you kidding me?? yes.. a stink bug up my arm pit...i hate bugs. I almost had a heart attack. I doubt I will be able to sleep now.

The girls got so many presents from my family. Have no clue how im going to lug this stuff home. At all. Much less where am I going to put it?? We need a bigger apartment, just for the girls toys. I need to purge. Throw stuff away. Maybe I will do that soon.

I guess I'll end on that note.

Today

 Today was one of those days. Just a really not so good one. The days you dont hear from them are probably the worst. I cleaned. I scrubbed the kitchen until my hands were bleeding. I played with Ali. I love her smile. Lights up my world. I tried not to think.

His mom brought some dinner, she does that a few times a week. His dad came. Always a plus to see his dad. He reminds me so much of him and I just find myself staring at him like some kind of freak, just trying to turn him into Zach for a moment. He usually comes over, plops on the couch, picks up ali, turns on a game..hockey..football..whatever is on...asks for a drink....just like his son, or like I could imagine his son would do with Ali. But today was also disappointing as he had to leave as soon as he got there to run an errand that he didnt want to do, but again, like his son..he went to do it anyways. He didnt get to hold alibug as she was sleeping, he tried to wake her for a moment, but she was out like a light. 

I found myself just listening to everyone talk, not even really knowing what they are saying, just smiling and agreeing, lots of head shaking...not even paying attention, off somewhere in my own world, wondering if he is ok, sleeping...hot, cold, just right..comfortable, dealing with motion sickness, if his stomach is full, or hurting, if he is having heart burn issues, if his head hurts, if someone tried to kill him, if he is exhausted, what he is thinking about, did he eat well? was it nasty? was it actually ok? or did rats come in his tent and eat his snacks ...is there a sand storm causing him grief...do his feet hurt in his boots...on and on...my mind goes...so i dont REALLY hear anyone talking to me or listen to what they are saying..not to be rude, im just living in some other world right now...

then they all leave and its just alianna and i. What to do. I give her a bath, lotion her up, feed her and we lay on the couch and fall asleep. Where there I dream of cooking him dinner, i made him beef stew, and he was tasting it from the spoon...i was about to ask him how he liked it when my phone went off and woke me up. Why does a year suddenly seem longer than ever.

So then I just move ali and i to our bed, where she is now sleeping and im about to try my hardest to sleep. Im thinking of getting some OTC sleeping meds.

Aves should be back in a few days..I MAY venture down that way ..i just dont watn to leave the house, i feel a lot closer to Zach being in our home then when I go stay down there. And quite frankly, i dont feel like visiting them when ive asked so many times for them to come see me. Done begging.

Cant wait for the new year, at least ill be able to say Zach comes home this year :)