Have you ever...

gotten someone a gift , worked so hard at picking out just the right thing...you have all the hope and wonder that THIS year , its going to be the right gift, only to fail once again...you are so nervous, they pick your gift up,and your heart is jumping around....with worry that they might hate it, but knowing that maybe THIS time you got it just right, you sit and wait, sick to your stomach a little but also a little giddy with excitement..they open it up....you smile, and wait for their smile back, and nothing. It doesnt come. The thank you, this is just what ive been wanting, or this is so neat...just a bunch of nothing at first, they drop it to the pile, and you feel your heart just breaking a little ...and you pick it up for them and shove it back in their hands, see ..dont you like it..? it does this , this and this, i think you will really enjoy it.....and then they go on to tell you how its probably the worst gift ever, and what was i thinking? oh thats right you dont think....but NO Really, this is pretty cool, open it up! take a look at it. No im not opening it up, im taking it back. As a matter of fact we are taking it back first thing in the morning. oh ok. then you choke back the tears, even though i was never really good at holding tears back..

have you ever slept in the cold september rain? having no choice, but to sit in the grass at 2 am, and watch allthe lights go out in your "home" and realize you really just dont matter, i mean you REALLY DONT MATTER...as you spend the night sitting up against your porch while the rain pours down just waiting for daylight and morning so you can be let back in , alone with your thoughts, nothing to do but think and think and think while shivering and you can no longer tell your tear drops from rain drops. do you know what goes through a persons mind when this is happening. well i do.

i have no place in this world, i really dont. its just pointless to keep going on when you fail at just about everything, and everything that you manage to get excited about is yanked away. have you ever been told you are doing to do something that you really want to do? then have it taken back? repeatedly ? simple things. movies. trips. sporting events. then to the bigger things.

you finally let your guard down, and want something. ive never wanted anything more in my life, and i was letting myself want it. i havent wanted anything in years. i have had no desire to want, its better not to want ...then to want and get it yanked away. so you just stop wanting. then your walls fall, you become mush. you crumble. you let it in. suddenly all those past horrible events just dont matter, you feel whole again, you feel loved wanted and needed, everything those walls were keeping out, comes rushing in..its a great feeling. then somehow you start failing. again. and again. you arent good enough, and you should have known this. you start trying to build the wall back up but it comes tumbling down. its way too late. you are in love and want to make this person so happy ..you do whatever it takes...but its not enough...all the promises...just dont mean anything now because you are a fucking failure, and suck at life.

there is NO PLACE for me here. none. ive failed. my mind cant rest, and it needs to. its no big deal really. everyone should be happy for me, and just let me go be at rest. maybe i can be SOMETHING in another lifetime, maybe i can be a successful college graduate, and great mom and wife as someone else, in some other place and time. for now, i just cant. i love YOU...with all my everything. i love my babies. I love everyone enough to just step away and let others try to care for you all  and make you happy. you three were my world and always will be. im really sorry i came into all three of your lives and made you all have to deal with me. never meant any type of harm or to cause anyone to be sad, as a matter of fact i worked really hard to try to keep you three happy, and you guys gave me a lot of happiness and smiles. i smile thinking about all three of you and our different events that made me smile and laugh, and feel great. i just failed you all. it just cant be. i love you guys. always forever, to the moon and back and back again. never forget , but dont dwell.

Forgiving

Grudges. I don't hold them, and perhaps I should. I am pretty forgiving. I forgive everything. I really shouldn't. But yeah, I do. Is there some things that you should just not forgive a person for? Of course not the obvious things, like murder....ect ect...

But like, I was abused for years ...and I kept forgiving, and forgiving..going back and forgiving. I forgive my father for what he is and what he has done to me and my family, I have forgiven friends for backstabbing and lying, ive forgiven family members for acting like I don't exist in a time of extreme need.

Am I really forgiving?  Or maybe its the old saying, I forgive but I don't forget. Because really while I have forgiven my father, my abuser, my lying friends,...ect ect...I have really not forgotten, and think about those things daily. Is that then truly forgiving? Is it ok to forgive someone but not to really forget about it?  Hmm. I dont know. Then again, I really don't know much of anything these days.