Have you ever...

gotten someone a gift , worked so hard at picking out just the right thing...you have all the hope and wonder that THIS year , its going to be the right gift, only to fail once again...you are so nervous, they pick your gift up,and your heart is jumping around....with worry that they might hate it, but knowing that maybe THIS time you got it just right, you sit and wait, sick to your stomach a little but also a little giddy with excitement..they open it up....you smile, and wait for their smile back, and nothing. It doesnt come. The thank you, this is just what ive been wanting, or this is so neat...just a bunch of nothing at first, they drop it to the pile, and you feel your heart just breaking a little ...and you pick it up for them and shove it back in their hands, see ..dont you like it..? it does this , this and this, i think you will really enjoy it.....and then they go on to tell you how its probably the worst gift ever, and what was i thinking? oh thats right you dont think....but NO Really, this is pretty cool, open it up! take a look at it. No im not opening it up, im taking it back. As a matter of fact we are taking it back first thing in the morning. oh ok. then you choke back the tears, even though i was never really good at holding tears back..

have you ever slept in the cold september rain? having no choice, but to sit in the grass at 2 am, and watch allthe lights go out in your "home" and realize you really just dont matter, i mean you REALLY DONT MATTER...as you spend the night sitting up against your porch while the rain pours down just waiting for daylight and morning so you can be let back in , alone with your thoughts, nothing to do but think and think and think while shivering and you can no longer tell your tear drops from rain drops. do you know what goes through a persons mind when this is happening. well i do.

i have no place in this world, i really dont. its just pointless to keep going on when you fail at just about everything, and everything that you manage to get excited about is yanked away. have you ever been told you are doing to do something that you really want to do? then have it taken back? repeatedly ? simple things. movies. trips. sporting events. then to the bigger things.

you finally let your guard down, and want something. ive never wanted anything more in my life, and i was letting myself want it. i havent wanted anything in years. i have had no desire to want, its better not to want ...then to want and get it yanked away. so you just stop wanting. then your walls fall, you become mush. you crumble. you let it in. suddenly all those past horrible events just dont matter, you feel whole again, you feel loved wanted and needed, everything those walls were keeping out, comes rushing in..its a great feeling. then somehow you start failing. again. and again. you arent good enough, and you should have known this. you start trying to build the wall back up but it comes tumbling down. its way too late. you are in love and want to make this person so happy ..you do whatever it takes...but its not enough...all the promises...just dont mean anything now because you are a fucking failure, and suck at life.

there is NO PLACE for me here. none. ive failed. my mind cant rest, and it needs to. its no big deal really. everyone should be happy for me, and just let me go be at rest. maybe i can be SOMETHING in another lifetime, maybe i can be a successful college graduate, and great mom and wife as someone else, in some other place and time. for now, i just cant. i love YOU...with all my everything. i love my babies. I love everyone enough to just step away and let others try to care for you all  and make you happy. you three were my world and always will be. im really sorry i came into all three of your lives and made you all have to deal with me. never meant any type of harm or to cause anyone to be sad, as a matter of fact i worked really hard to try to keep you three happy, and you guys gave me a lot of happiness and smiles. i smile thinking about all three of you and our different events that made me smile and laugh, and feel great. i just failed you all. it just cant be. i love you guys. always forever, to the moon and back and back again. never forget , but dont dwell.

Forgiving

Grudges. I don't hold them, and perhaps I should. I am pretty forgiving. I forgive everything. I really shouldn't. But yeah, I do. Is there some things that you should just not forgive a person for? Of course not the obvious things, like murder....ect ect...

But like, I was abused for years ...and I kept forgiving, and forgiving..going back and forgiving. I forgive my father for what he is and what he has done to me and my family, I have forgiven friends for backstabbing and lying, ive forgiven family members for acting like I don't exist in a time of extreme need.

Am I really forgiving?  Or maybe its the old saying, I forgive but I don't forget. Because really while I have forgiven my father, my abuser, my lying friends,...ect ect...I have really not forgotten, and think about those things daily. Is that then truly forgiving? Is it ok to forgive someone but not to really forget about it?  Hmm. I dont know. Then again, I really don't know much of anything these days.

Alianna's Birth Story

I cant believe its the end of october already, and the last time I posted anything at all I was still just 26 weeks pregnant with Alianna. Well since then, I have had my precious little Ali.

I wanted to type up her birth story, Since I have Aves on here somewhere..its always nice to go back , and remember how it all went down :)! And being that its been 2 months since Ali was born, I am bound to be forgetting some of it already.

So it actually all started August 25th, I was just 35 weeks exactly..Zach had left for his month long training in NJ..I was staying at my moms, and had a drs appt early in the AM. I had been SUPER WAY stressed out ( not that is a new thing, since May ) about Zach leaving and pretty much was a wreck. Anyways...the drive from the UT to Pittsburgh, had taken forever....I sat in crazy amounts of traffic for about an hour, but finally got there..only to not remember which floor my OB was on...hey Zach went to every appt with me and ALWAYS pushed the button in the elevator...I txt him and asked him which floor it was on, and no answer...omg i rode the elevator to every single floor. No joke. 15 mins later, and 15 mins late..I found my floor. Oooh, I was livid, this prob sent me into labor actually :)

So I get called back almost immediately, and they do their thing and inform me that I was already four to five cms dilated. I was in early labor stages, and yup I panicked ..this baby was supposed to stay in there until her daddy could be here around her original due date of Sept 29th. My high risk OB, told me 35weekers do great ( aves was 34 weeks, so we were happy to have gotten that extra time! ) and that she couldn't tell me exactly when I would go into labor, that it could be in 10 mins or a week, but that it would happen soon. They told me to get dressed and go down for a growth check on little miss, and thus began the longest day ever at the hospital! I got there at 9 am and had to wait until 5 for my ultrasound. Which turned out great, said baby girl was measuring bigger than 35 weeks at 6 pounds 14 ounces, she was head down and GREAT! The lady could not believe i had felt nothing and was 4-5 cms!

I thankfully, got a hold of Zach, and told him everything, and the angels in his unit let him catch a flight home to me so he could be here for the babies birth. Huge sigh of relief as I had convinced myself, especially after talking to the Red Cross, that he would NOT be allowed to come home. Well he def came home. I had never been so happy to see my handsome, gorgeous, amazing man walk through our front door that evening.

Over the next week, we did a lot of spending good quality time together and getting ready for the baby. I had a drs appt that next wed, exactly one week later...and when i got there and was examined I was 6-7 cms ..my OB couldnt really believe I was feeling not much of anything and was that far dilated. He sent me down to triage to be monitored and I had a BAD feeling they were going to send me home! I was now 36 weeks, which they were not going to do anything at all to help me along since I was still considered preterm.

Eventually they did admit me after I was contracting on the monitors for a few hours, and was very slowing changing my cervix. They sent me to labor and delivery room which was VERY nice and HUGE!

They hooked me back up to monitors and I was indeed contracting, starting to feel them, but was comfortable...about this time Zach was drafting his fantasy football team through cell phone calls and txts..I wasnt sure exactly how to feel about this lol, but had to giggle as im in labor and he is drafting his team..but at least he was there :) AND he was AMAZING through it all!!

I started to feel contractions more and more, and opted for an epidural. With Ava I did not have any meds, but this time I wanted to stay comfortable and have a nice delivery. It was very scary getting it, but Zach talked me through it and eventually it was in place and the contractions I was starting to feel were very very faint now. If only it would have stayed like that!!

I stalled at almost 8 cms and they broke my water around midnight and then things got BAD! I had been leary on pushing my bolus of epi medication button, and now wish I hadnt been. I either had a failed epi or epis dont really do a damn thing. PAIN was an understatement. Way worse than Ava, and I got a new dosage of meds and nothing,I was pushing my bolus button like a mad woman and crying in pain. Thank goodness Zach was there. He was awesome, he held my hand, helped me focus, talked me through each pain. I couldnt have asked for more from him. They had checked me and I was now 9 then about 3 mins after they left I felt that need to push, that i never had with Ava's birth. It was a crazy feeling, and I told Zach to go get the nurse..since they had just left, he thought I was being my dramatic self...he was like Ok...I will. Waited. Another contraction came I told him it felt like she was coming out and to go get the nurse..."ok babe i will! " Finally, a third time..i was freaking out and asked him if wanted to deliver the god darn baby himself?? ..finally he went and when they checked me I was complete and her head was there! Zach was amazed at this and I was just wanting her out! He kept telling me her head was RIGHT there and he could see all her hair, I was about to give up and he would NOT let me! I am such a lucky girl!

Pushing through that pain is SO much better than just trying to deal with it. After about 5 sets of pushes, little Miss Alianna Lillian Bosh came into the world on Sept 2nd, weighing 6 pounds 14 ounces and 19 inches long. She had ( and still does ) a head full of dark black hair , she had dark blue eyes which have now turned dark brown. She had a little trouble transitioning to the world with her breathing, but needed no extra time in the nursery and stayed with us THE WHOLE TIME after her birth. My labor was long and tiring, but well worth it!

We got to come home a few days later and our hospital stay was great. I loved watching Zach fall in love with our daughter.

Ali has been doing great, hard to believe it will be 2 months soon. Her daddy has since deployed but will be back before she turns one :)! Which that in itself is a huge blessing to me. She is such a good baby, though very different from Ava. Ava was my quiet baby, Ali is my loud, demanding, screaming baby :)! I love it though. I love how she has become a huge mama's girl, and I love how Aves is forming that sisterly bond with her, although Ava likes to call her herself Ali's "other MOmmy"..she will tell her, its Ok Ali, your other mommy is here, your other mommy loves you ali!! " cutest thing ever!

I cant wait for July so we can be a complete family again.

Getting things done..

One by one, I am starting to get things done. Up until today, my motivation was ...uhm..nil...

Zach had nagged me and drove me a little crazy told me, that I needed to do two things today, get car insurance, and buy new wind shield wipers. I am so proud of myself, I actually did both :) Haha, little steps ..right?

The sun was out!! SO PRE Miss Aves hair cut, we went out to the park. It is still snow covered and vacant, but at the frozen lake we found our old buddies from the summer...the *quack quacks* were still there, just hanging out. I have no idea how they are swimming and not froze to death...but yup, still there.

***DISCLAIMER...these are just MWAC pictures, with color casts, OOFness and all! ***

Arriving at the park , excited that the ducks hung around for winter..



Amazed at the ducks





using one of my fav actions, ...hey to each their own..right!?

Waving hello to the ducks, * Hi quack quacks, im Ava!!*



Dropped glove..



and then ready to leave..



And my fav Duck..****ive been informed these may be Geese. Oops.



he always poses so nicely for me



I actually love how his body blends in with the snow